Hermit Mode

It’s 2006, how the hell did that happen.

I moved to NL in 1999, that sounds like forever ago, but feels like it was just last year. That’s how much has really gone on in my life since I moved here. Sad huh? I have about 7 months worth of experiences all stretched across almost 7 years and all the in between parts are filled with… well, nothing really.

Things appeared to be going so great for a while there. Meeting people, getting out.. then winter strikes and it’s back to hermit mode again. I really tried to fight it off this year. I tried to make sure I had things to do, people to see and activities lined up to pick me up so I might not fall into that winter blues crap again. No such luck.

Right now I’m sitting on my sofa, fully dressed in “Go out” clothes for the first time in about 2 weeks. Yes, I live in pajamas. Who wouldn’t when they never leave the house? They are the most comfortable thing on earth… but, I digress. As much as I’d love to make this into a “Pajamas Rule!” blog, today I have to vent.

Anyway, back to my sofa. Here I sit, feeling somewhat decent in appearance for the first time in a long time. Hair blown dry, go out clothes, and even some different jewelry from normal. Feeling particularly less blubby* than usual due to a mysterious loss of 15 lbs over x-mas… Yet, not out at my quilting class where I’m supposed to be. Here I am, unable to get myself out the door to do something I really and truly enjoy. What in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks** is that all about?

The motivation, it just isn’t there. Even though I love my quilting class, I still can’t get my head around going. This leaves me.. perplexed.

This isn’t something new to me at this time of year… but I think in the past some small part of my brain used to think “Come on now Tammy, don’t you think it’s possible that this is just convenient? It’s easy to sit here and not do anything, blame the weather and depression… You lazy bitch, you’re just using it as an excuse to get out of doing things you don’t want to do!” I’m sure other people have thought the same different times they’ve spoken to me or read my blog. Who can blame them really when I thought it myself sometimes.

This is different though, this is something I really did want to do. Something I find fun and that I loved because it gave me something to concentrate on, something to do … and most importantly .. something to take up time I normally spend doing much of nothing. It’s not a convenient excuse because I don’t want an excuse, I want to be there. I’m not though, and I don’t get why. All I know is my entire morning was spent going back and forth between getting ready to go and going back to the sofa and thinking… “Ugh”.

I went towards the shower at about 8:30am and then went back and sat on the sofa. I got up and walked down the hall saying to myself “You’re gonna go, you’re gonna go, you’ll regret it if you don’t, stop staying inside so damn much, you’re GONNA GO!” No, I don’t mean in my head, I was actually saying these things out loud as I grabbed a towel and headed for the shower.

Thank god it’s winter and there are no flies in the house because if there were, and they saw me walking down the hall talking to myself, I’m sure even THEY would think I was nuts.

I did get all ready, but a lot of good it did me. I give new meaning to “all dressed up and no place to go”, even though I do have a place to go. You know what I mean.

I’ve been laying in bed awake a lot lately, trying to think of what in gods name I’m going to do to change my life. First I think “Get a job!” but then I get up and spend all morning looking at job sites for here in NL. People who say it’s so easy for english speakers to get a job here in NL clearly have not met me. You see, I fall somewhere in between that IT professional and the guy who works at MacDonalds. I don’t have degrees, but I do have some skills… and I have passed the point in my life where I will work grunt jobs for money. All the jobs that at any other place in the world would suit my level, are english +. What I mean by English + is: English+Dutch, English+French, Engish+Hebrew (yes, today I actually saw English+Hebrew).

I went to a website today for a place in NL called English Language Jobs, thinking shit… I have hit the jackpot! What they should really call themselves is “English as Long As You Know Another Language Too Jobs”… because there wasn’t a single job at my level that was just purely English. There is no way in hell my Dutch is good enough to work with at the moment.

SO, barring going back to that heinous job I had last year doing market research, what other options do I have? Raise my level. Meaning… become like those IT dudes who can get jobs and it doesn’t matter if they speak anything other than English. Sounds good to me! What does that require though, going back to school. Do I, a 30 year old woman, REALY want to go back to school and spend all day with 19 year old boys? Well, yes.. but I’m married. So, no. Besides that, it’s not like it’s free.. and with a single income we can’t afford to send me back to school. Maybe I could get a job to pay for myself to go to school, oh no wait, covered that already. Plus, would I even be able to go to school in English?

What does that leave me… volunteer work. Screw that, if I can’t manage to get out of the house for hobbies I enjoy. I’m not going to be able to motivate myself to go out and actually work for no pay.

By this time I’ve tossed and turned so much I can’t find a cool spot for my feet in the bed, so I have to stick a leg out, which makes my blankets all wonky and I start getting frustrated because my pillow won’t mush the way I like it and it makes my earrings hurt.

So I sigh, and think of fun times in my past like hanging out with my girlfriends and TonyD and the boys back in University… when I still wore makeup, and felt in control of my own destiny… and eventually I fall asleep.

* Blubby is my way of avoiding saying the F word. No, not fuck, the other one… FAT.
** H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is what one of my teachers once told us class to say instead of HELL.