Canadutch
Last night I crawled into bed and heaved a big sigh. Our new bed is so comfy and with the fleece sheets on in the winter it’s like crawling into a cloud. I was tired, it was almost 1am which is pretty late for us but not unusual lately since Xander has been working from home a lot.
I was comfortable, but didn’t really feel at ease. I felt anxious and weird. Over the past one or two months I’ve been fighting off the winter blues that have plagued me in the winter months in the past. I dove into all things Christmas, I crafted, I played WoW… I shopped, I watched movies, I saw friends… all the things that I thought would keep it at bay. No luck.
I feel like shit. A kind of shit that only another expat in the Netherlands would understand. There is no real reason, no logic and no way to explain it unless you’ve felt it. It’s like I’m a battery that is running out of juice and trying to change it is like trying to make a glass move across the table using only my mind. It just doesn’t work.
Yesterday I had a twitch in my eye and it lasted nine hours. I have never had anything like that in my life. Xander said it was stress related but I don’t really have anything to be stressed about other than the fact that I can’t stop myself from feeling dragged out and generally shit. Is it possible that after all these years of ups and downs I’m actually developing a twitch? I’ve joked about it a million times, things making me twitch with insanity but could that really be happening? Lets hope not. I’m hoping it was just the cup of Cafe Choco I had, because I’m not really a coffee drinker.
So after I crawled into bed and sighed, my husband asked me what was wrong. I explained that I was feeling screwed up and couldn’t seem to relax or feel –right- and it was starting to get to me. I moaned like a 90 year old about the pain between my shoulder blades from stressing about about absolutely nothing, the general feeling of uneasiness and unexplained sadness… and then moaned and said I needed a spa day.
Being the cool and supportive husband that he is, he was all for it. Telling me to take a day at the spa (we say ‘the spa’ like we actually have one and visit it, but I don’t even know where there is one), but honestly – I’m not a spa type of person.
That’s when we had the ‘why not conversation’.
Me: I wouldn’t want to go to a spa. It’s not the kind of thing you do alone, you do it with friends… and none of my friends are into the spa thing.
(We then went through my small list of friends and why they wouldn’t want to go – like saving money, or why I wouldn’t want to go with them – I would rather die than stand naked witnessing the shocking difference in our fitness levels)
Xander: well, if you did want to go I could take you there and pick you up, wherever it is. Really, if you think it would help with the winter blues I’m all for it.
Me: Naw, it’s not my kind of thing. Just thinking of all the things I’d probably hate about it make me not want to go.
– Getting naked in front of other people
– Wearing some robe that would either be too small, too warm, or make me itch.
– People wrapping me in some crap that would probably make my skin melt off.
Xander: hahaha! Yeah I can just see you coming out of there like on TV where you are all red and weird looking and your friends tell you that you look GREAT just to be nice!
Me: Yeah, or I’d end up like Samantha on Sex and the City. I’d come out with my face all red and raw and have to be somewhere the next day. Screw that. PLUS… just thinking about all those hot soaking things makes me squeamish. Those hot mud baths, hot tubs etc. I bet they are like germ baths!
Xander: Oh I’m sure it’s not that bad…
Me: What?! Are you kidding? A giant mass of hot water with random women soaking in them every day? I’d be scared to get in it, do you know the kinds of things that grow and breed in water those temperatures… they’re all swirling around in there just waiting to get into my vagina!
Xander: Yeah, well maybe we could use duct tape or something.
Me: Oh yeah good idea… front to back with the duct tape. Nothing will get through that!
Xander: Just think, then you wouldn’t have to worry about getting the runs either.
Me: Good plan. No seriously though, I just couldn’t do it. You know me and my immune system. I’d come home with the mumps!!
Xander: Yeah, because you know VAGINAL MUMPS run RAMPANT through those places!
Then we both howled with laughter until our bellies hurt and we woke the neighbours.
What a great way to end a bit of a lousy day. I love my husband.
spa’s…riiiight…here’s a regular conversation at work: (translated loosly into english)
colleagues: “oh susan!..we’re all going to the spa next w/e…and we’d thought you’d like to come along!!
me: no
ya, like i really want to get naked with 15 skinny docter’s assistents and a handfull of huisarts…all of whom i have to see every bloody day!!!..YUK!
and don’t believe them when they say they don’t look….
i rather die a slow, painful death…
hilarious post tammy!!
Bloody hell, I thought it was peri-menopause (still could be; I think I skipped a period).
I’ve been exhausted and blubbery all week…And making myself even more upset because I have no reason to be blubbery!
Thank you…all of you! I feel a bit more normal now!
As for spas…well waaaay back in the early 80s, when I was somebody I wouldn’t recognize now if she knocked me down in the street, I used to go for facials in Montreal when I’d visit my bro. Very nice!
But I’ve become rather distrustful of beauty treatments in general…a lot of money for products in which the benefits haven’t been proven, and which could cause me major allergies for all I know. There’s just a lot of BS in the beauty industry.
I’m getting used to being naked in front of other women part though…sort of. I have to change at my gym…and being “normal” sized for a middle-aged Canadian is the same as being an obese Dutchie, so it is a bit disconcerting changing in front of these bony broads.
However, I’m hoping the feelings will pass along with the flab!
Watch chick flicks and eat chocolate! If I still lived near you I’d bring a bottle of wine (that I’d end up drinking because you wouldn’t lol!). You’ve done so well in recent years, you’ll get through this hun. Try a pamper day instead of a spa day lol! Might plan one for when you come over.
I’ll write soon, miss you loads, hang on in there!
I`d go to the spa! But after hearing your points… well, maybe not :lol:
I understand winter blues, I felt the same last year. May I suggest a lot of chocolate and some good books? That is usually how I get over it.
Zhus last blog post… Lake Titicaca – Bolivia
I completely feel you. I have PCOS and my seasonal blues are amplified by %100 because of it. All that goes along with it, it’s no wonder I haven’t clinically lost my mind; depression, emotional roller coasters, acne, infertility, stress, weight gain that won’t come off for anything. In the end, although I hate to say it, it’s nice to know I’m not alone, and I’d like to reassure you that you are not either! I close my eyes and start planning my summer when it gets to bad. How great that your husband is so supportive and in the end will make it all better with the best Prozac ever (laughter).
OMG, you’re blogs should be published, they are hysterically funny.
What you are describing isn’t so funny, however. It’s called SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, but you probably already know this. You don’t have to be an expat to have it although I’m sure it would help, you just have to live in a northern cold climate where the sun abandons us for months in the winter. I hate to think of you feeling like this over there. What are the docs like? Do you have one that’s helpful? A short course of anti-depression meds could be really helpful. Lots of people have to go on them every winter, but hey it’s cheaper than a trip to a southern clime where the sun kisses other peoples ass while we live in darkness. I speak from experience. I haven’t been out of bed since Jan 1 and I identify with every thing you describe. Now the bed thing is complicated by my arthritic and fibromyalgia disabilities (including the ankle replacement that I am still waiting for), which are so much worse in the winter but one sort of feeds the other if you know what I mean. I finally got out today, one of the coldest days of the year here, but the sun was shining and Hugh took me to Michael’s which always cheers me up (bought a digi photo album to complete a long overdue digital wedding album), and I was dressed in 4 layers so I didn’t get that body freeze that I can only describe as a ice cream brain freeze only full body and once started lasts about 4 days whether I warm up or not (don’t get severe arthritis and don’t get old, lol). Anyway, this does run in families and it might be worth checking it out with a doctor. I love you, and I am totally in love with that husband of yours who I really hope to meet someday. It makes my heart do a happy dance to know there are other guys around like Hugh who live, love and laugh. I’m so happy you have one! xoxoxoxo
Haha, hilarious! Seriously though, I had a twitch in my eye too this week, every day for like 5 days! I think it’s one of a number of symptoms of magnesium deficiency, magnesium helps with muscle cramps, PMT and nervous tension, among other things. I started taking the pills again and the twitch went away the next day! I thought that was a little fast, maybe placebo/coincidence, but might be worth looking at whether you are maybe deficient in something…
Nicolas last blog post… Back on Track
I’m not big on the spa idea, either. Although I have to admit, I *LOVED* the Blue Lagoon in Iceland.
http://bluelagoon.com/
If I could go to one spa, it would be that one, I was in there for ages. But it didn’t feel like one, because it’s natural and outdoors. (Banff Springs is another good one, also outdoors.) I don’t even like sitting in hot tubs for very long, but I could’ve sat in the Blue Lagoon all day.
I can relate to this, and I’m not living abroad. I’ve been suffering cabin fever in a bad way and can’t wait until it is spring again!
And as for a spa? I can’t blame you! I wouldn’t want someone to see my chunky ass!
Ambers last blog post… We’re having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave
I am so glad I am not alone. Winter blues suck! We should all just go on a nice vacation somewhere on a nice warm beach :) With servants to wait on us hand and foot!
If there is anything I can do just let me know.
Oh man I thought I was the only one who was not feeling right. Im serious. I’ve been going threw it myself for atleast a month now. I cant pin point what it is either. I have weird twitches now,my grey hair has increased by a massive amount since moving here and like you I have the odd eyeball twitch…this place is killing me slowly..lol
The spa thing..Blech. I just cant see myself ‘relaxing’ in a spa with other naked peeps and pretending like it’s no big deal..vaginal mumps or some werid rash on your butt is something I would think about too..LOL
I wish I had the answer to get us out of this feeling..
Sonyas last blog post… Cornbread
You should just go for a facial or a massage. I’ve done it a few times and it is reeeeeeeeally nice. I am going to go for regular massages starting next wk. Just on my back, neck and shoulders. The spa smells so fresh and clean and they always play this soothing quiet music. Why create all these barriers for yourself over something you have not even tried. Give it a shot. Start small with a facial. You will enjoy it, guaranteed :)
I totally relate to the blues you are having. I came back from England two weeks ago and have felt down ever since. I think its something we have to accept is gonna happen every year during the winter months especially.
Some spas allow swimming costumes. When I was pregnant I went to one and there was no way I was gonna get my fandango out for love nor money.
I could have written every word of your post. Every. Word. I know it doesn’t help you at all, but I totally understand what you’re talking about, and I wouldn’t want to go to a spa for the exact same reasons (but Leander would offer to bring me and pick me up, too). My only difference is that I don’t actually have any friends to ask! LOL
I have felt like shit lately too. My house is a total mess, and it irritates me but I don’t care enough to clean it up. I’m just blah and want to lay around doing nothing, but get sad because I have nothing to do. Sometimes I think I want to go home, but don’t know where that is anymore.
hahaha that totally reminds me of me and my wife just talking about stupid stuff. LOL
Vaginal mumps??? haha OMG!! HAHA!!
Melissas last blog post… Ik ben Melissa. Ik woon in Amersfoort. I ben going mental!
LMAO… that made ME laugh!!! Thanks! :)
And I’ll be right over for those Maltesers and Movies… Just 2 more colleagues to go… It’s wearing my murder axe out ;-)
DutchBitchs last blog post… Project Bulbfield – January