Canadutch
I’m stocked up to my eyeballs with doubt about moving home. I’m sure anyone who knows me and is reading this is thinking “FFS MAKE UP YOUR MIND!” but I’m really really confused. I’ve been back and forth like a ping-pong ball about the whole stay in Holland/move to Canada issue. I thought I was 100% sure about moving home, when I was home, but now I’m not so sure.Why do I want to move back to Canada? I want to be closer to my family, around things that are more familiar, where I can get out and do things, drive again, work again, and speak my own language. Sounds pretty reasonable. I mean I’ve been ranting and raving about these things for years, for FIVE YEARS! The thing is, when I sit back and think about it. What have I done to try to create those things here? Familiarity, a car, a job, the language etc? Nothing! I’ve made a few feeble attempts and given up every single time! In the last five years I’ve been living here the ONLY thing I’ve been consistant with is my laziness and inability to finish anything I start. Well, that and my determination to hate it here.
So I find myself thinking, what would life be here if I really DID try. If I just grew the fuck up and tried to make a life here rather than thinking about the one I left behind? Would I actually like it here? Would I hate it? Would it be somewhere in between?
Then I wonder, am I just thinking this because I’m continuing my pattern of not being able to see things through. Am I thinking about staying again because moving home seems to be so difficult or because I’m scared of the hard work it would take to make it work there?
I also wonder about the whole Europe thing. I haven’t made the best of it at all! I have so many really cool places within such a short distance and I haven’t bothered to explore or learn. Sure I’ve travelled but that was just to see people and have fun. God I was in London four times and didn’t see any of the touristy things even once!! All I did was go over and hang out with people and do not a whole lot more than I’ve done here. Do I really want to leave Europe without REALLY experiencing it?
Have all our problems just been a result of my immaturity and spoiled nature? My inability to just suck it up and make things work? If I do move back to Canada will I one day regret leaving here when I look back and realize just how little I did to make a life here? How will I look back and feel confident that I made the right decision knowing that I never really tried?
What if we move back there and Xander isn’t happy? I know for a fact he won’t find a job in Halifax like he is now. He gets so much satisfaction out of his work, what if he can’t get anything even nearly as satisfying. Will I suddenly find myself with the tables turned, with him unhappy in my country?
I know for a fact that financially we won’t be able to sort what we need to within the period of a year. We have a loan here that should be paid off before we go, his visa to live there will be approx $2000, we’d need money to live on while we look for work in Canada, money for our flight, to prepare the pets for moving, etc. My parents said they would support us until we were on our feet, but do we really want that? My parents have never made a lot of money and just have started coming into some recently. Do I really want them spending it on US? They do so little for themselves, they are at a point in their lives now that they should be going on cruises, travelling, doing things they couldn’t do when I was still around. I really don’t know if I can go back there and “mooch” off them. My mother says not to think about that, that they have all the time in the world to do those things. I know her though and she’d rather go her whole life with nothing and help me, than ever refuse.
I’m confused… The only thing I know is I want to be with Xander, and I want him to be happy too. Have I done everything I could to be happy with him here? *Sigh* I know the answer to that… so what do I do about it?
