Canadutch
Look at those faces.. Don’t they look like the most adorable, sweet, cuddly things you’ve ever seen? Well, don’t be fooled! They are the devil’s tricksters sent to my home to see to it that I never get a full night’s sleep. I love them but for about an hour a day and a few hours each night I hate them with the fire of a thousand suns. You see, I’ve had these cats for almost 9 years.. I first got Spencer (the orange one) when I moved out from my parents place and in with Jerk-Ex and our friend Chris. He was so cute, the cat I mean, and even as a baby he was obnoxiously loud. I thought the things he was doing were things he’d grow out of, that it was just all part of being a kitten. Oh how wrong I was. From when he was just a baby, if you went in another room and closed the door, he’d dig his little kitty heels in and meow at the top of his lungs until you were annoyed enough to open it again. He would chew, and drag around anything that couldn’t get away quick enough. Like my plants, socks, panties, or any small item left within his reach (btw, he can reach everywhere).
I read that if you got a squirt gun and squirted the cat with some water, they’d learn not to do things. Spencer didn’t quite learn anything other than the cool dodging water game.. which he usually won. If I put down fresh litter for him at night. I’d come out to find his freshly laid shit in the box, and all the litter outside the box on the floor. Aaaah the joys of owning a cat.
So, being the brilliant mind that I am, I thought well maybe he needs a friend! If he has a playmate maybe he’ll not be so dependant on us! Maybe he will play at night or while I’m on the toilet, rather than screaming for me to come back. Sounds perfectly reasonable doesn’t it? Of course, I forgot that this hellcat of mine is no regular feline. What I saw as a distraction, he saw as an accomplice.. Salem came into our home 6 months after Spencer. He is a mutant cat with six toes on every paw and Spencer swiftly took him under his wing. Together.. they are unstoppable.
You’re probably asking why I don’t just leave doors open while I sleep. There’s a good answer for that. I get even less sleep when I let them in. They love me, they want to be as close to me as possible. I mean, who cares if they smother me.. right? Not to mention the purring and drooling. That’s not the worst of it though, it’s the way these Satan Spawns show their adoration.. by digging their nails in me. Like it’s not bad enough, I have to have a cat with extra claws.
So those are my choices, shut them out and try to sleep through the racket or let them in and wake up feeling like a soggy pincushion. Lovely.. They are so lucky I have some deep seeded attachment to them after all these years.
