Kicking Winter’s Ass

Over the years I’ve had a lot of issues with seasonal depression.  Not something I’ve ever suffered from in Canada, but it hit me quick and hard here in the Netherlands.   I wasn’t expecting it but it happened, and it continued to happen for the past 10 years.  Granted, for the first half of that time I was often quite depressed during the rest of the year as well, but it always got much worse during the winter.

Each year I’d fall head over heels in love with autumn but at the same time I’d be dreading the winter.  Cold, dark, dreary, wet… those were the things that would come to mind.  My desire to stay indoors would be stronger than ever.  I’d often lose touch with the people I made the attempts to be friends with over the summer, and no matter what strides I’d made over the sunny months I’d end up hating the Netherlands fiercely.

I’d look out the window and see what you see in the photo above.  I took that in January of 1996 at lunch time.  Weather like this can really take it’s toll after a month or two.  It’s not bright enough to be a lovely daytime, not dark enough to be a cosy night time feel.  Just dreary.

There were also other things playing a role in how I felt.  I didn’t just feel bad about the weather and being away from my family, but I felt bad about myself too.  I hated a lot of things about my personality, I hated that as each winter came around I was getting fatter and fatter, and I hated that I was one of those people who complained about all those things and did nothing about them.  I was a victim.  I allowed myself to be a victim.

Some years were better than others, but there always came a point where I crashed and when I did, I crashed hard.  Each time it happened it chipped a little more away at me, making me feel like a failure and a loser who couldn’t seem to cope. Which made it even more difficult the following year.

This year I knew I had to do things differently.  I couldn’t wait for it to magically change, and if anything was going to change it had to be within me.  I decided I wasn’t going to be a victim of myself anymore and created a different path for going into winter.  I knew I was going to have to work hard to get through it and for the first time realized that I do have some control over it.  Even though I always thought I was trying, I wasn’t really… and the winter always won.

This year… I was determined to make winter my bitch.

I had already started losing weight, something I’ve attempted many other winters, but this time around I took steps to make sure I didn’t quit.

• I joined a gym and I told people about it.  I wanted them to ask me if I’m still going so that I’d not want to say I gave up.  I got a trainer who asks me where the hell I’ve been if he hasn’t seen me for a while.
• I got a life coach who is awesome and helps me learn more and more about myself and why I often seem to be my own worst enemy.  He’s helping me find the tools within myself to change it and be a better person.
• I stuck with Weight Watchers so that I have somewhere to be accountable to for what I eat.  My best friend joined with me and I know that once a week she’s going to say “How was your weigh in?”.  I’m glad, because it makes me want to have something good to tell.  We can also motivate each other and help each other push through what ordinarily would be a time we’d both want to curl up with a blanket and some chocolate.
• I’ve started trying new things with food. Different recipes that partially replace some of the things I love (like pasta) with vegetables to lower the point value and give me a more well balanced diet.
• I’m not denying myself the things I love, like chocolate, McDonalds or potato chips.  Instead I’m learning portion control and how to fit them into my life in a healthy way that won’t stand in the way of my goals.  Weight Watchers helps a lot with this and instead of feeling like I’m on a diet, I feel like I’m learning to eat like a normal person.

I’ve also realized that when I feel that familiar feeling, where I get grumpy and my patience grows thin, to get out and do something.  Even if it’s going to the supermarket, a walk with the dogs or going to take photos of something.  If it gets me out and gives me something nice to think about it can squash those negative feelings that often take over during the winter.

I’ve worked on mending relationships that had been broken in the past, which is something that has always weighed heavily on me.  I am aware that I can be difficult but deep down I hate not getting along with people and when there is conflict it eats away at me.  I much prefer sorting things out, having good relationships and having things to look forward to.

Instead of thinking about what I’m missing back home, how much I hate the weather (which I still do, mind you), or what little thing is bugging me at the moment, I find other things to think about.  If something is getting me down, I start making plans for our summer holidays.  If I feel my mood start to darken, I find something to look forward to…even if it’s just a movie with a friend or going out for dinner with my husband.

Surrounding myself with positive people has helped a lot.  I have friends who speak more Dutch than me, are more integrated than me, have more hobbies than me and who are more active than me.  They inspire me to do better.  I used to want friends who could relate, who felt the same negative feelings I felt that I could complain with.  Now I know that was the wrong way to go.  While I do love having friends who understand me and that we can be there for each other when we are feeling down, having friends who make you want to do better in life is healthier.  Having friends who are negative and try to pull you down with them is never good when you are in a situation where you are trying to better your quality of life.  I want friends who challenge me, pull me out of my comfort zone and help me continue to get better.  I also hope that I can do the same for them and bring something positive to their lives when I can.  Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I don’t want to be friends with people who are struggling.  In fact, having been there and understanding it, I’d want to try to help in any way I can.  What I don’t want is people who try to pull me back down into that negative place with them.  No more than I would ever want to pull my friends down with me.

Keeping busy has made a huge difference and I have my friends and my husband to thank for that as well.  Not only are they happy to do things with me but they understand that while there is big improvement, I’m not fully there yet and they may have to give me a gentle (or sometimes not so gentle.. Penny: get to the gym you’ll be glad you did later.  Heather: photo club, quit being a whiney ass and go) nudge to get me going.  I love them for that.

I have ‘go to things’ for what to do when I know I’m in danger of my winter blues, even if it’s just something that takes 5 minutes, it can often brighten my mood considerably.

• Getting out taking photos
• Chatting with my mom on the phone
• Housework.  I know this sounds insane but I get a weird peace of mind when I get things tidy.  This isn’t my first choice of course, but I do go there from time to time.
• Playing with the dogs. Their joy brings me joy.
• Looking up a new recipe to try.
• Going out to the shops and buying something cheap but fun. Like a cheap bracelet, lip gloss or some nail polish.  This works doubly because I’ve found that actually taking the effort to try to look good (which I never bothered with before, I couldn’t be arsed) makes me FEEL good too.  These little bits help a lot.
• Going to the gym. Again, not my first choice but I often feel so much better afterwards.
• Chatting with friends.  Whether it’s Penny and I talking about our next girlie night or motivating each other to keep going with our diets, Heather and I chatting about her next project or photography, hearing about Paule and Alan’s latest adventures or me and Matt bitching about Jersey Shore… having friends to talk to and laugh with is one of my favorite things.
• Cuddling with my husband.  He makes me laugh.  When we curl up in bed for a nap on a cold winter afternoon, we always end up in fits of laughter before we ever get to sleep.  Instead of crawling into bed feeling depressed and waking up worse, I go to sleep giggling and wake up happy.
• Creating something.  When I make something and see a finished product, I smile.  Whether it’s a cross stitch, a quilt, or something for my blog, it doesn’t matter.  Last month I spent days tweaking code and getting the new theme ready for the blog.  It kept me busy, I learned a lot and the end results made me happy.
• Trying new things.  This winter I made a point of getting out and doing things I wouldn’t have ordinarily done.  Like going to the boekenfestijn for the first time, seeing my first musical in Dutch, my first visit to the Rotterdam Film Festival or trying something new with my camera.  I’m getting out there and doing something rather than sitting home feeling sorry for myself because I never bothered.

So, it’s now getting on to the end of February, a time when I’m normally at my worst, and this year I feel great.  I’ve got good friends, a great family, holidays to look forward to this year and more and more plans to get out and try new things. It feels pretty damn good.

I’m also getting smaller every day.  I’ve now lost 49 pounds and am desperate to be able to say I’ve lost 50 pounds.  That won’t be the end of my weight loss journey but 50 pounds will be a great milestone for me.  This is the most weight I’ve ever lost, and I now weigh less than I have in over 5 years.

I’ve stood up to the winter blues that terrorize so many people here, and I’ve kicked it’s ass.  If you are here in the Netherlands, or anywhere really, and are going through the same thing… it can get better.  It’s not easy, and no pill or person saying “You should…” will make a difference.  One thing I hated more than anything when I was in the depths of my depression, was someone saying that only you have the power to change it.  It made me want to cut people.  It’s true though and as much as it sucks to hear, and as hard as it is to make the first steps, you can make the difference.  The winter blues may never go away fully, and like me, you may always have that feeling of it nipping at your heels… but all you have do is outrun it or turn around and kick it in the teeth.  Find out what makes you happy and put all your energy into that.  Show winter who wears the pants in this country!

Now that I’ve taken care of the winter blues,  I’m gonna to make that 1 pound my bitch too.