Abandonment Issues

I think I have abandonment issues because I had a really weird dream last night with a common theme as of late.

I dreamed, yet again, that I was back in Canada.  I was in my hometown, driving around seeing and doing all the things I miss.   It’s all in bits and pieces now but some of the things I remember are:

A lot of dogs playing on the corner near my parents house and thinking to myself how there is no way I could let Bailey loose in that crowd.

Meeting up with some people who had a Dachshund that was sneezing it’s head off and them laughing about Teckel Syndrome which was a relief because sometimes Pixel sneezes a lot and I thought there was something wrong with her, but it turned out to be just the breed!

I stopped in front of a donut shop to wander around and see people.  It was across from a grocery store.  People I knew from high school were just randomly walking in the street and I’d be yelling ‘Hey!!’ and going up to them to catch up.  It felt great to chat with people in the street.

I saw my mother coming out of the grocery store so I ran over and we chatted for a minute and decided to go home.  I told her I’d meet her there because I had my car.   When I went back to my car, it was really low and the door was oddly shaped.  I couldn’t fit myself through it.   I was really embarrassed because I was twisting and turning myself trying to get in, like the door of the car and I were block puzzle pieces that I couldn’t fit together.   When I finally got in, I couldn’t get the car to move.   Then I realized the front left tire was gone… that ALL the tires were gone.

I stood in front of the donut shop and got out my mobile phone.   I started dialing my parents 001 – 902 – ***  etc and part way through a recording kept coming on telling me to try the number again.   I kept using the number I use from here in the Netherlands, which obviously wouldn’t work locally… but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to dial locally anymore.  So my phone was useless.

I started looking around for all my friends that were in the street just a minute ago, and there was nobody there.

I picked my phone up again to call Xander, then I thought… OMG, XANDER!!  Suddenly I couldn’t even remember the last time we spoke.   Had it been days, weeks?  Why hadn’t he called me during that time?  Had he forgotten about me?  I was there alone, without him and I was panicking.    For whatever reason I was unable to call him, unable to reach him at all and this sadness washed over me.

I woke up then and it took me a minute to realize where I was.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to be in Holland… and when I heard him yell good morning from his office when I stepped out of the bedroom, I almost broke into tears.

I have dreams like this quite often.  Where I am in Canada enjoying myself and doing things and seeing people I’ve been missing, and then suddenly realizing it’s been days or weeks since Xander and I had spoken.   Then I get into a big panic, as though we’d split up and I just forgot about it was unaware of it, and I want nothing more on earth than to be near him again.

It freaks me out.