Family?

The grandfather I never knew died today. This morning I was speaking to my mother on the phone and she told me he was dying, that they’d heard it through my father’s cousin who didn’t want my father to just see it in the paper or something. Not that I think it would make any difference, as my father always said .. you don’t miss what you never had. I can’t help but wonder if that’s how he really feels deep down though. Is it really possible for a man to have never had a father and feel nothing about it?

Anyway, my mother just told me he died. I feel weird. Not sad really, but not nothing either. More a dull sense of wonder about what I missed out on, which I’m sure probably wasn’t all that much. Then again, I’m sure the family he did bother to get to know would probably disagree.

I saw him once, in the parking lot of a shopping mall when we were picking out Christmas trees. My father pointed him out and said “See that man over there, that’s your grandfather”. He was with some woman, who I assume was his wife. I tried not to stare but how could I not, I was a kid and this was someone who had been a mystery to me for a long time. I looked for things that he might have passed on to my father, which he passed on to me. I noticed he was short, stocky, with fine hair that was the same silvery color my fathers eventually turned too. I could see the resemblence and I remember wondering if dad saw it too, and if it was weird for him.

I wonder did he think of us before he died, or have any regret in his heart for not making an effort to be a part of our lives. Did he even know my name? Was there ever a time that someone pointed me out to him in the street and said “See that girl over there, she’s your granddaughter”. Did he ever look at me or my father and try to see himself in us the way I did in that mall parking lot? All these unanswered questions…

My father didn’t talk about him much, other than to say that from time to time they would say hello on the street. My nana most certainly didn’t make a habit of talking about him, and the few times she did it was clear she was quite bitter where he was concerned. I never really did get the full story on why he wasn’t in our lives, just bits and pieces about him being abusive. I think it must have taken my nana a lot of strength to leave her husband and raise my dad on her own back then. Divorce and single moms weren’t really the norm 50 years ago, as it is today. She was such a strong and wonderful woman… If there is a heaven, I wouldn’t be surprised if she is at the door telling them not to let him in.

Our cousin came to my father today asking for all our info, because the wife wanted it for his obituary. How weird that is… how bizarre, unnecessary, and just too damn late.

I’ve had 30 birthdays, my father has had 56..
We’ve both had weddings..
My father has had open heart surgery..
My nana died..

He hasn’t been there for any of them… I don’t understand why anyone would think we would want to have our names in something like… “Survived by loving son and granddaughter”. He doesn’t deserve it.

RIP “Grandpa”