24

Is not just the name of a really good TV shows.. but is now the number of months that I have seen the words “Not Pregnant” on the software I use to keep track of my cycle. This is the 24th month that Xander and I have tried to get pregnant, and the 24th month we’ve failed…. and it seems like if I went out for a walk and saw 25 people, 24 of them would be pregnant.

I find myself wishing we’d started trying years ago, because when you’re 23 and 24 most people you know aren’t really at that stage yet. Then you don’t feel like every person you know is pregnant. Every where I go, there are pregnant women everywhere… it’s torture.

In the past month I have had contact with four old high school friends, three of them are pregnant.

It seems like all new and old friends I speak to are pregnant or just had a child, both in real life and online.

It’s because I’m 30… I’m at that age where women start nesting and wanting to start a family. It’s only natural that most of the women I know are at that point, it’s just hard seeing them all having so much more success with it than we are. It’s hard not to be envious and jealous at the same time.. it’s hard to smile and talk to them (even if you -are- happy for them) when inside your heart is breaking.

This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through, and I think unless someone has been through it themselves they could never understand.

So many struggles in the world seem like there is no solution, but can be dealt with. Whether it’s where you live, how you live, or who you live with… money problems, bad hair, weight gain, unemployment, bad neighbours or rotten weather. You can move, change your lifestyle, learn to be more thrifty, get a new hairdresser, diet, etc. All these things have a solution but often we don’t or won’t make the changes necessary to fix our problems.

Not being able to get pregnant is completely out of your control. You can eat all the things they tell you, not eat the things they tell you, have sex as often as possible, on the days they tell you, in the ways they tell you… You can hope and pray, even if you aren’t religious .. and it’s still completely out of your control. It’s either going to happen or it’s not and you can’t do anything but wait. Wait.. and hope… and wonder how you’ll get through the disappointment you know in your gut is on its way.

The things that go through a woman’s head when they are trying to get pregnant and failing, are … unbelievable. I pray every night when I lay in bed.. even though I’m not really sure who I’m praying to. I’ve made promises in my mind that I’m not sure who I’m making them to. I’ve thought back and wondered if I’m being punished for something I’ve done… wondering what I could have done that was so bad to deserve this.

I’ve superstitious… wishing on times like 22:22 and 11:11 and before I blow out a candle. It doesn’t even have to be a birthday candle anymore, anything will work. Every time saying in my mind “Please please… make this be the one” Meaning, make this be the last month I drive myself crazy for weeks waiting to find out if it’s finally going to happen for us. Make this be the month that I get to tell the people I love “It’s finally happened!”… make this the month that I see something as simple as a line, and know that my entire life is about to change.

Just please don’t make it just like last month…

I know there are people in the world who are suffering through things so much more difficult than this. Who would look at my problems and think that I have no idea how much worse life can get. In fact I know of one who will be reading this and I’m almost ashamed to talk about my problems when I know she is dealing with something so much more difficult and unfair than this…

… but still. I can’t help it. I feel like the world is playing the most cruel trick on me and I don’t know why.