In Demand

Today a friend sent me an MSN and demanded I write a blog so he has something to read while at work today. The pressure!

I don’t actually have a whole lot to write about. I could ramble on about the usual day to day life but I’m sure most who read my blog (all what.. 2.. 3 of you? :P ) are tired of hearing about that by now. I don’t know how some people do it, I don’t even remember how *I* used to do it, updating a blog daily and always thinking of creative and funny things to discuss so people wouldn’t think you were boring. Bah.. can’t be arsed haha

So what is new with me at the moment, let me think…

Well Christmas is getting closer and I -still- haven’t done any shopping. It doesn’t really feeeel Christmasy this year, I’m not sure why. I think once I get my tree sorted it will though.. Not sure if I wrote about that but I got my tree up the other day but when I took the lights out I couldn’t get them to work. So.. I have to go buy new ones. I planned to get them yesterday when I was out but forgot, figures.

That brings me to yesterday… what a strange mix of emotions I had throughout the day. It was “quilting day”, as I had my quilting class like every other Wednesday.. which has also turned into “hang out gabbing all afternoon with Lynda” day. Which I love. Lynda is a British woman I met a while back who is taking the quilting class with me, so we take advantage of being out and about together on Wednesdays and do lunch and just chat about life. She’s the first true friend I’ve had in a very long time and it feels so good. I know I’ve always missed having girlfriends, but having someone like that now really makes me think back to these past few years and just how much I’ve missed out on.

Anyhow, on my way to quilting I was standing outside central station and someone walked up to me and frightened the shit out of me. When I came back to my senses I realized it was a russian girl that was in my Dutch class. She was on her way to the hospital or something and we had a short gab while we were waiting for and on the tram. She is still in the class and is trying to get her Dutch up to a level where she can work in Dutch. She is definately improved from when I left the class (as her Dutch wasn’t that great then, not that I’m one to judge) but she still has quite a way to go before she is at a level where she can work in a Dutch environment. I can’t imagine she’s going to get all that from those stupid inburgeringscursus though.

On my way home in the afternoon, I was sitting at a different tram stop waiting for my tram home and ran into another girl from the same class. She is from Thailand and started with me from the first day. She is also still taking the classes, well.. technically. I think she is taking them like I was taking them in the end. Still signed up and going for the exams but not really bothering with the class. We also had a short chat and then went our seperate ways when my tram arrived.

On the way home on the tram I was thinking to myself that maybe I was finally starting to get somewhere here in the Netherlands. I’ve been living in this city for 6 years and that was one of the first times I’ve just been out around and ran into people I knew. Mostly because, I’ve never really known anyone. Granted, I know this is largely my fault because I’ve been living the life of a hermit for such a long time, but it’s still sort of nice to feel like you belong somewhere and to feel like it’s home. I had that feeling yesterday coming home.. like maybe I’m starting to really feel at home in this country, this city… Now that I have been meeting more people, trying to put the langauge skills I’ve learned to use and trying to be more social.

On the one hand I felt ridiculous because I never imagined my life ever getting to a point where running into two people I know on the street would make my day.. that used to be a random daily occurance in my former life. On the other hand though, this is the life I’m living now and I have to try to recognize progress when I see it, otherwise I’ll never keep taking steps towards being “normal” again.

I was happy though, walking along the lanes back to my house from the tram I had this cozy feeling inside. This is my neighbourhood, this is where I live… at this moment, on this day, this feels like home… rather than the place that is keeping me from home.

When I got to my mailbox I grabbed the mail that had piled up over the last day or two and noticed a christmas card. It was square and sort of thin with one of those enveopes with all sorts of designs over it. It reminded me of the kind of envelopes we’d get back in Canada that you open up and find some generic x-mas cards that say “Merry Christmas from MT&T” (which was our phone company when I lived there) or the electric company.. etc You get the picture.

It was addressed to Xander, which most of our bills are, so I sat it on top of the pile of sales papers and junk mail and thought as I went up the stairs about where I’d put the card. It was our first x-mas card of the year and usually I’ll string something on a wall or a doorway and hang the cards on it… My mood was high so it made me feel somewhat more festive than I had been previously.

When I opened the card, I realized it wasn’t from our phone or electric company, but from Xander’s brother. It was addressed to Xander, and Xander alone.. wishing him a Merry Christmas. I stared at it a few minutes and then had another look at the envelope and noticed that the postage was in French, which I didn’t see when I picked it up at first… and looked it over again.. then I sat it down on Xander’s computer desk, went to the sofa to talk to my mother on MSN, and cried.

It’s amazing how something so small and seemingly unimportant can act as a giant eraser that wipes the slate clean of all the great things you previously felt.. but that’s what the card did for me. As much as I hated to admit that I was hurt by it, by seeing my name purposely left off a Christmas card from my husband’s brother… it did. It hurt because at this time of year I am even more lonely than usual. I spend a lot of time alone, thinking about my family and all the things I’m missing. Wondering if one day I’m going to look back and regret the years I’ve spent here. I remind myself that I’m here because I love my husband, and because he is worth it… and while I know these things to be true, it doesn’t fill the voids.

I know some of my husband’s family have their own views of me, what I do (or don’t do), why I’m here, what I think… I’ve come to terms with the fact that there isn’t much I can do to change it though, and there is only one person who’s opinion really matters, and that’s Xander.

That doesn’t make it sting any less though, when I find such reminders in our mailbox. It’s strange really… how something as simple as a card can make me realize just how much I am missing, and how much I’m not missing, at the same time.