Christmas is Cancelled

For the first time in my life I think I’d cheer if I heard those words. Where is the Grinch when I need him..

I haven’t been able to get my Christmas spirit back at all. I’ve not done any shopping, haven’t bought any cards and my tree is standing in a corner looking dilapitated after me pushing it over in a fit of frustration when trying to get the lights on it. In the process, smashing the porceline head of the angel that sits on top of it. *sigh*

I don’t want to be here, where it is just me and Xander. I love him, but I could never love anyone enough for it to take away the sadness of being away from my family during the holidays. I cringe when I think about Xander and I here alone on x-mas eve, knowing my family will all gathered at my uncle’s or cousin’s house being together and sharing memories, having a laugh and enjoying the holidays.

I want to be upbeat and excited about Christmas because I know my sadness affects Xander, and I don’t want that… but I can’t help it. I spend so many days throughout the year holding things in, pushing my feelings aside and trying to appear to be ok. I can’t do that now. Not at this time of year when I’m used to this being the tme when family comes together. When all I am getting are reminders of the family I -don’t- have here, and that really fucking sucks.

I never thought I’d hate Christmas, but today I do… with a passion.