Life, and all that shit…

Three blogs this month, oh yeah.. somebody stop me!

This month has been spent doing a lot of soul searching. I haven’t found anything so the search is still on.. I’ve been thinking about life, as usual. All the things that come with it, what I want to do with mine. You know, the usual.

Having two people roughly my age die since I turned 30, it’s really shaken me inside. Not just a subtle reminder of how short life is, but a big ol’ punch to the nose. The kind that makes your eyes water uncontrollably. It makes me think of the last 6 years here in the Netherlands and question how I want to spend my next 6, and where..

We’ve been discussing life at length, our lives together. Will it work? Will I ever be happy here? Will he be happy somewhere else? Will we ever make it possible to move? I have a million questions and neither of us have any answers.

Oh, I do have some news. I finally went for the HSG Test that I’ve been putting off for months now. It was every bit as embarassing and invasive as I expected, not to mention PAINFUL!! I knew it would hurt but it was nearly unbearable at times.. I’m guessing that is sort of what labour must feel like. Unfortunately, from what we could see on the screen.. it looks like one of my fallopian tubes is either blocked or completely closed. We don’t know which and won’t until the 10th when we see the doctor. The radiologist who was doing the test tried to be positive and said things about how it’s not 100% but I looked it up online and did a fair bit of research on it and it was obvious from what we were looking at that one tube was fucked.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand it’s comforting to know I’m not nuts and that all this time that I’ve felt deep down that there was something wrong inside of me, I was right. On the other hand, I’m sad.. because it means having a child is going to be even more difficult now.

All I know is, if I get the “Go home and have sex.. ” speech this time there is going to be some screaming at Ikazia Ziekenhuis! After 2.5 years and the latest test results, if they won’t finally help us medically.(I mean we are insured for it all for petes sake!) .. I’m going to lose it. Give me drugs, artificial insemination, IVF… ANYTHING!

Moving on..

American Idol has started again *rubs hands together* I think I might have a new Bo Bice, only not quite on Bo’s level. His name is Ace Young and I’m sort of torn. He’s cute alright, but he seems a little feminine. He doesn’t have Bo’s raw sex appeal that makes me claw at the screen of my monitor after downloading the latest show. Bummer..

Time will tell..