Canadutch
en vy
n. pl. en vies
1. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.
2. The object of such feeling: Their new pool made them the envy of their neighbors.
One of the Seven Deadly Sins and something I suffer from terribly/ (yes my period key is still busted)
One of my worst qualities in life, I think, is how much I compare my life to other people I know and feel I am coming up short/ I fail to see the good things I have going on and constantly find myself resentful of other people for the things they do have/ I don’t mean just material things but anything, relationships, jobs, you name it/
Relationships and marriages is the big one though, especially where and how people are settling down and starting their lives/ I know this is directly linked to my unhappiness in the Netherlands but I guess that’s natural and to be expected when someone lives somewhere they truly feel they don’t belong/ Especially when they are there just for their mate/
There are a few friends who’s relationships I’ve envied to a great degree/ One is of a guy I knew online from here in Europe/ He and his wife seemed so settled and happy, the way he talked about her and their relationship was always so full of passion and excitement/ They were both settled in this sunny country, happy, in love and really starting to make a life for themselves/ Neither of them were actually from that country, they had to learn the language but they did it together and they seemed to really be thriving/ I envied them for having whatever it is I don’t that made them able to learn the language of their new country properly, I envied them for being younger, more fit and more excited with each other than Xander and I seemed to be/
I can’t lie, there have been times when people have asked me “If you are so miserable here, why do you stay?” and I’ve sat and wondered myself/ There have been times when I’ve looked at Xander and thought, is this all worth it? Do I love him THAT much that I could continue to live the life I’m living (or not living) at the moment and feeling so out of my element? Will I -ever- find a way to be happy here? Would I struggle less on my own in my own environment and earning my own living without the love of my life? IS he still the love of my life?!
The constant comparison between us and other couples I know hasn’t made answering those questions any easier *sigh*
It’s so hard when you find yourself asking these questions about the person you vowed to spend your entire life with/ Especially when you know that it’s all a matter of circumstance that is making you feel that way/ That if we had made other decisions and taken our life together in a different direction that it all may be different/
Is regret also a deadly sin? If not, it should be/
Anyhow, for the last few days I’ve been extremely anxious because Xander is going away on a business trip to Libya for nine days and I will be here by myself/ Originally I thought the anxiety came from just the idea of being here alone/ I lack the kind of independence here in NL that I once had back in Canada, but now I’m not so sure/
A few days ago I was speaking to my friend, the one I was just talking about with his sunny, happy wife and after not hearing from him in about two weeks he dropped a bomb/ His response to my “Hey! How’s it going?” was “I’m getting divorced and I’m in love!” *Jaw drops* He went on to explain that his wife wasn’t happy in the country they were living in, she wanted to go back to her home country (Estonia), and then went on to tell me about how they both moved out of their house and he is in love with this new girl that I’ve never heard of before from him/
So here is this couple that I spent so much time burning with envy about, their marriage is over and he’s completely moved on in just a few short weeks/ Could they really have had the magical connection I thought they did? I doubt it/
Five minutes ago I sat and sobbed because my husband walked out the door for his business trip and it had nothing to do with me being scared to be here alone/ It was because I love him, because we’ve never been apart for this long and I hate it/ He leaves early every morning for work, yet this morning the house feels emptier than ever/
So I guess that’s a lessoned learned, the grass may seem greener on the other side, but that doesn’t mean it is/
Yeah Gail it’s who you were thinking of, pretty sure the first conversation about the split was when you were here
“Would I struggle less on my own in my own environment and earning my own living without the love of my life?”
I ask myself the same question these days :(
Reading down your post, I thought I knew who you were talking about, then later you confirmed it and I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Yeah, sometimes these multicultural relationships don’t work out, but deep down you always hope they do.