FOAD Thursday – My Empty House

If you had asked me a month ago if I had any space in my house I would have laughed.  Between me, the pets, my husband and all our furniture I felt like we were completely crowded.

I SO wish I felt that way again right now.

My parents left this morning and if I’m honest, I thought I’d be ok when they left.  There were points during their visit where I felt like I was going to go off my rocker if I didn’t get a minute alone to breathe.  After all the hustle and bustle with the renovations and Xander working from home so much over the last few months, having two extra people here who were ‘all up in my business’ was stressful at times.  I’d give anything to have them here again though.

We got up at 4:15am this morning to drive them to the airport and within a few short hours, they were gone.   Our goodbye at the airport seemed rushed and a part of me wanted to go back and hug and kiss them both a few more times and tell them how much I love them, but I didn’t because I’m almost 34 years old dammit!  I should be able to have these comings and goings without turning into a total baby.

I cried through the airport and most of the way home, and that wasn’t the worst bit.  When I got home I felt lost.   My house feels so empty.   I’m tired, I’m emotional and I hate that they are gone.   My new bedroom doesn’t feel like our bedroom.  We renovated it, slept in it for 2-3 nights and since then it’s been my parents’ room.   I’ve gone in there a few times but I felt sort of like when I was 13 and would go into my parents bedroom, it doesn’t have that MINE feel.  Now my bedroom still feels like the blow up bed in the spare room.

I know this is normal and that I even said myself a few weeks ago that it’s one of the stages expats go through when family visit and then leave again, but goddamn it… it really sucks.   My husband is being a total sweetheart, but there’s nothing even he can do to change this loneliness I feel right now.

Nobody other than another expat can understand the feelings and thoughts that we have when our loved ones go away again.  Wondering when we’ll meet up again and hoping they stay safe and healthy until then.   Not to mention the feeling that comes with getting a small reminder of what COULD be if you lived closer to your family.  It was so nice to have my mother here where I could show her things, get her opinion on thoughts I had for the house and all the things other women take for granted and get to do on a daily basis with their mothers.

I’ll be fine tomorrow, or maybe the next day.  Things will get back to normal in the house, the dogs will stop looking for them, and I’ll stop looking over at my empty sofa and wishing they were there… I know this.

I just wish that knowledge would make TODAY a little easier.