I Want to Help People

At least that’s what my doctor said the other day when in the process of telling me why he won’t help me.  Nice.

One common theme among expats here in NL is their dislike and distrust of Dutch doctors.  I’ve always sort of been on the fence because I’ve never had a truly horrendous experience like some others have, but I’ve never actually felt helped with anything either.

My history with Dutch doctors is a bit of a mixed bag.  On the smaller issues, like a sore ankle or something, they don’t mind shipping you off for x-rays and such.  When the problems require more thought and attention, this is where they have always let me down.

One major issue for me was Project Baby.  A silly term I used over the years during our unsuccessful attempts to try to start a family.   During this time I saw a number of doctors, and none really made me feel like they truly want to help.  Either they just showed a complete lack of interest from the start or they seem to really want to help in the beginning but as time went on their level of interest and desire to help dwindled.

There is always an excuse though, and that’s the most irritating part.  They often have quite absurd reasons for not doing things and when you question it they often will tend to fall back on the usual answer – This is not America, we do things differently here!   Each and every time I’ve heard a variation of that same answer it has made me cringe.   I don’t know if they realize it but in saying something like that they are making it blatantly obvious that to some degree they are holding the fact that I am foreign against me.

This is one of the many number of reasons that I’ve decided to give up on Dutch doctors entirely.   I’ve recently learned about a medical center in Den Haag (about a half hour from here), which deals entirely with English speaking foreigners.   Their doctors are mainly Canadian, American, Australian etc and from what I’ve heard, their attitudes reflect that.   I would guess that the bulk of their patients are from Shell and other English speaking companies throughout Den Haag.

I heard about them from a friend of mine who moved here two years ago.  I think she also had some bad experiences with Dutch doctors and like me, started looking for an alternative.   In her opinion, the doctors at the English speaking medical center are much more eager to help.   She said she never feels rushed, they take their time explaining your treatment options and they really make the effort to try to find out what exactly is wrong.   I need that, badly.

The last straw for me came on Thursday afternoon, when I had an appointment to see my doctor about my foot, which had been bothering me for quite some time.   I’d stepped on one of the dogs toys back in September or October and since then it’s been bothering me off and on, usually when I was walking on it a lot.   After my trip to Belgium on Sunday and walking on it for 5-6 hours, I was in agony and finally decided to make an appointment.

Over the last few years, I’ve had little things bothering me that were happening with my body.  Each time one of these things would happen I’d mention it to my husband and say that I will tell the doctor about it at my next appointment.  I never do though, by the time I go see the doctor again I always forget.   Finding the doctors quite useless, I tend to not go see them unless I really have to, so my appointments are few and far between.

When I made the appointment for my foot, my husband suggested that I make a list of these little ailments so that I can show them to my doctor and see if he thinks it is perhaps caused by a larger problem, for example heart, sugar or thyroid problems.  I come from a family with a long history of Cancer and my father is Diabetic, has high blood pressure and has had bypass surgery on his heart a few years ago.   I wanted to be thorough and make sure the doctor had a full picture to decide how to go about doing the tests.  So I put down every tiny feeling I’ve had over the past few years.  Also, problems I’ve been seeing the doctors for that have been ‘inconclusive’ or there was no cause found.

I knew it was pointless to make the list in the first place, assuming that he’d attribute it all to the fact that I am overweight.  Which seems to be a favorite of theirs… and while I understand that some things may be caused by being heavy, I also sometimes wonder if the weight gain isn’t also a symptom of something.  As I gain weight –very- easily and have a lot of trouble getting it off.

When I was seeing the gynecologist during the time we were trying to conceive.  She said I had PCOS-LIKE symptoms, but she couldn’t say for sure if I had it.   That the hair loss MAY be Androgenic Alopecia, but the tests were inconclusive.   In the end it all came to the same answer “We can’t help you”.

When I showed the list to my doctor, his answer was “See a psychiatrist, it’s all in your head”.  At that point I just went silent.  I sat there looking at him, and trying to think of what to say.   He went on to say that anyone who comes in with a list like that should see a psychiatrist and that there is nothing wrong, except what is wrong in their head.

The person I was a few years ago probably would have had a screaming fit, maybe not in the office but once we got home.  All I could do was sit slackjawed trying to fight back the tears.   I FELT crazy.  Mostly because I wasn’t expecting that reaction at all, and after working so hard to adapt and create a life for myself here, when it was finally working and I try to get help for some physical problems… they tell me to see a psychiatrist?!

My husband was with me and was as shocked as I was.  I still couldn’t even speak so he asked the doctor why he would say that.   Surely there were some tests he could do to see if there was perhaps an underlying cause?   The doctor replied, telling him that there could be any number of reasons for the things on the list to be happening, but it would mean I had a number of different things wrong me with me.   My husband tried to argue that maybe some of them WERE actually wrong with me so why doesn’t he test to at least rule them out?

The doctors response?  -   “Well, where would I start?!”

That’s when my husband started to get a little angry and said “Well, YOU are the doctor!!”

In the meantime, I sat and looked from one to the other, frustrated with myself because I felt a few tears escaping even though I was trying really hard not to cry.   I managed to squeak out a few “Ok thanks”, in hopes that they would get the hint and stop so I could just get out of there.

Eventually my husband gave up and we left.

I could tell he was nervous in the car and when we got home, quickly busying himself in the kitchen and avoiding starting a conversation with me.   Experience would have told him that in these situations in the past, I’d fly into a rage about how much I hated it here, even though I don’t always, at moments like that I do.

I had no energy for it though, and I haven’t for quite a long time.   The fight in me is gone when it comes to dealing with certain aspects of life in this country.   So much has changed for the better but there are some things that I know will always remain the same, and dealing with the doctors here is one of them.

These are the same doctors who when I visited them years ago, when struggling to adapt and deal with the culture shock and homesickness, put me on anti-depressants, rather than helping to find me a therapist like I asked.  Not once, not twice, but three times.  Three times I was put on anti-depressants after visiting the doctor to try to get a referral to a therapist.

The same doctors who a previous time when I went asking for a therapist, forwarded me to a man who deals with asylum seekers.   Who, when I explained that I was feeling down about the weight I’d gained and was having trouble with adjusting to my new life, told me to “Lose weight or go back to Canada”.

The same doctors that after 7 years of requests, finally forwarded me to a psychologist.  Who told me to see my doctor and wean myself off the anti-depressants IMMEDIATELY, because I did not suffer from depression at all, rather a difficult situation after years of asking for help and not receiving it.

So now, when I have honest to goodness physical problems, they tell me to get a therapist.

The thing is, I know it’s not in my head.  I know that because some of the things I’m experiencing has run in my family.   The burning red cheeks and the sensitivity to touch (if you poke me, it hurts – BAD), for example.   These are not things that I alone have been feeling… my sister, my mother and my grandmother on my mother’s side all have this as well.  How can I be making it up in my head when the last three generations of my mother’s family have had the exact same symptoms?

The only difference is, I mentioned it to my doctor to try to find out why.  Maybe I should send my sister to her doctor in Canada and see if THEY can figure it out.  At least then I’d know.

Anyhow, it’s not like I am falling apart at the seams.   Maybe I am a bit more sensitive in regards to different things I feel happening in my body because of the history in our family.  My father lost almost his entire family (his grandmother, his mother and her 5 siblings) to Cancer.  So yeah, maybe I am a little paranoid.  Still though, wouldn’t that make my doctor a little more cautious as well?

I’m sure losing weight would maybe reduce this some, as I wouldn’t worry so much about developing heart trouble, high blood pressure or Diabetes (like my dad)… but that isn’t going to happen overnight either.

Please don’t get me wrong, this is not a I HATE THE NETHERLANDS post.   This is just about this one aspect of life in the Netherlands that has me frustrated right now.   While, during these moments of frustration, I may sound like I hate it here… I don’t.   It’s just hard sometimes when dealing with the things that don’t change and continue to be a source of frustration.

P.s. This feels a little wierd, I’m not used to writing about such personal topics anymore. Eish.