Canadutch
Years ago I made a post about people online and how they pretend to be something they aren’t, and I’ve been thinking about it again recently. I made that post almost exactly 5 years ago and this issue is still a bit of a thorn in my side, especially now that the blogging community has grown so much since I last discussed it.
Over the years I’ve spoken to a lot of bloggers and have even met one or two in real life and become friends with them. One thing that has always stopped me from meeting more is the underlying fear of them not being who they make themselves out to be on their blogs. I know in many cases it’s probably silly to feel that way, but in talking to different bloggers who have met a lot of others, I hear a lot of stories about people who turn out to be nothing like the person you see on their blog.
Recently I learned about another example of this happening. It doesn’t really affect me since I never really talk to the person and they live nowhere near me, so I wouldn’t ever be meeting them anyway, but it does get under my skin. Apparently, this person’s blog persona is a complete fabrication. From their name, where they live, what they do and just generally who they are. Many of the experiences they write about on their blog have not even happened, and a lot of what they write about is found through Google, rather than their own life experiences.
First, let me say that I don’t think it’s an obligation for bloggers to share all of their details. In fact, I often wonder if I am not a bit too open about who I am and what goes on in my life. I think everyone has a right to share only what they are comfortable with, as the internet is not necessarily a safe place when it comes to sharing personal information. However, not giving your name and other information is entirely different from making up a whole new persona with a life that doesn’t actually exist.
Ordinarily, if someone did this, I’d think it was silly but not be especially bothered. In this case it is a fellow expat, and when I heard about it I found myself getting increasingly agitated. What I’ve heard is that this particular expat, like many of us, struggles quite a lot in their real life and their name, marital status, level of integration and pretty much everything else they discuss on their blog is just simply not true.
Why does this bug me, you are probably wondering? It’s because this person writes as though they have come here and thrived in their new environment, when that is actually a complete falsehood, they are having a rough time just like anyone else. This bothers me because there are so many expats out there who do struggle and often will look for people who understand and have been there themselves, and while this person’s blog can be a great source of information, the way in which it’s written can be very deceiving. For the new, culture shocked, expat, it may seem as though there is something wrong with them because this person (supposedly) has breezed through as though it was no problem at all.
Don’t get me wrong, there ARE people out there who have come here and really dug in and adapted wonderfully to their life here, and I applaud them. I think they probably have a lot to share with the rest of us and can give newcomers some great tips on how to get along here. I know a few people who’s blogs I read regularly and wish I’d met them when I first got here. There’s a lot I could have learned from them.
I know how humiliating it can be to come to another country and feel lost. I get the feelings of failure that can come along with it and how it can affect every single aspect of your life. I can also understand why people feel that this is a personal thing that they don’t want to share with the world. Whether it’s because they don’t want to upset their family by letting them know how much harder it is than they thought, or just that it upsets them to talk about it.
What I don’t understand is the need to go drastically in the other direction and make up a life that doesn’t exist. Not only would you be lying about who you are, which can’t feel good, but you’d be painting a completely false picture to those who read your blog and very likely use your experiences to measure themselves by.
I understand that everyone has their own ways of coping and nobody expects bloggers to tell the world who they are and where they live. Things like the city they live in and how old they are aren’t really that important either… but I think people do expect some level of truth in the things we say.
What do you think? Do you feel that there is a certain expectation of truth in blogging? Would the fact that a person is blogging about specific issues make a difference in what you expect from them? I’m curious to hear your opinions!
One thing that has always stopped me from meeting more is the underlying fear of them not being who they make themselves out to be on their blogs.
This is exactly how I feel? I’m scared to meet other expats and I have not established a relationship with them. Sometimes I feel excluded from the expat community, but I think it’s better off that way in case I disappoint someone.
As for the fictional blog, maybe these people want to feel good about themselves that they need to write something completely different from their life.
I’m somewhat excluded as well. I’ve excluded myself as well, as I do feel like the square peg when I’m not with my Dutchie and his friends.
When you say “it’s better off that way in case I disappoint someone”, it kind of echoes what I feel sometimes — that you’re always being judged and compared…by how fast you integrate, how fast you learn the language, and our old home country standards of success of what you own or what you do.
Hard to deprogram that out of yourself when you move here…or remember that we are judging ourselves more than others are judging us. And those who do judge you aren’t worth the time of day. Pffft to them.
At first I was very happy to read many expat blogs from Scandinavia, but I slowly lost the connection with them due to unknown reason. Now I just stopped reading some blogs all together.
It’s hard to feel accepted by those who are greatly different than me in my opinion. It’s hard to be well liked when one is very opinionated.
It’s really hard to say without seeing the content of the blog, and although my personal style is to “tell it like it is” – I don’t have anything against someone writing a fictional blog as long as it’s not doing any harm. But how do we define harm? In this case Tammy pointed out that giving an overly optimistic picture of life in the Netherlands may depress those whose life ain’t going as well. It surely couldn’t be very helpful for those who are thinking of the expat life but haven’t taken the leap yet. So in this case, yes I think that would be doing harm. On the other hand we all need to take content on the Internet with a grain of salt, so if someone were to make the big move and change their life dramatically based on “the good stuff” they read in a blog, that’d be a bit naive on their part. Everything in life has a good and bad side, and it’s a lesson we go through in realizing that and being prepared.
However I do think that it would be polite to at least have a disclaimer if the content is partly or fully fictional, but maybe the writer doesn’t realize that there may be consequences for someone out there in the world that believes her text and just thinks that there can be no harm in it.
Perhaps it’s something similar to what Canucky Woman talks about – that trying to envision a better life and dream about it will slowly have you migrate towards it.
People do all sorts of freaky stuff in this world. Ironically, if we had been in the same shoes with the same history and life events, we most likely would be doing the same thing to deal with it.
Thank goodness there are honest, open and truly helpful blogs around like Tammy’s to balance it all out. :-)
Wowee! A few months ago, there was a blogger who had been telling everyone she was dying of cancer, along with a bunch of other problems which simply weren’t true. She was supposedly a teenager, and had a large following of well-meaning bloggers who were there for her every crisis. Many of them spent hour chatting with her online before realizing that there was no way that all of these things could have been happening to her at once. She finally came clean. Boy oh boy was that an uproar!
The only thing I write that isn’t true or real are the names I use for myself and others. Everything else is a real as it gets. I’ve gotten some nasty comments on some of my more self absorbed, whiney posts, but hell…that’s what I needed to get out at the time!
Ginger Magnolias last blog post… Zooper Wednesday
I always expect truth in blogging… but I know most of the bloggers I read, at least second hand or something like that. Making up a fake life for your blog sounds like something to which they are going to give a fancy psychological soon.
And I promise I really did go to Paris.
mmicheles last blog post… Un
My heart rate went up a little just now, thinking I might be in trouble… but surely my last post doesn’t cross the line…
I’ve had this experience before – the person was nothing like they’d claimed to be online. He presented himself as a highly educated person, when in reality, he never graduated from high school, worked as a house painter and was a complete douche.
Making up a persona online is never going to do anything for you because eventually you’ll get caught. In my younger years, I might have been a little more apt to do such a thing, but I’m too old for that shit these days. Writing is my passion, and I have no intention of lying with my words.
Ambers last blog post… Of Lawyers and Houses
Ok having gone back and re-read everything. I think this is just someone who really wants to help others and is lonely. They aren’t causing any harm. Just writing about things that make them feel good and in the process making it into a story. Like Beebs said also, maybe it’s all to give family and friends in the states a sense that all is well with her. When in reality it’s not. And therefore for her own reason not wanting to worry them with her problems.
Whatever the reason I wish her well.
I’ve met a few people I’ve met on the internet, including my own wife! I’ve been lucky to have never met any fake or freaky people. Of course I’m sure they thought of me as such hehe.
But I don’t think I’ve met any bloggers that aren’t like their blogs at all. Actually I think I’ve only met one blogger and she’s exactly like her blog, if nothing else, she’s even better and nicer than she is portrayed on her blog.
I just don’t understand why you’d fabricate a whole persona. But I admit that I have seen this happen and it gets really freaky. My friend had that happen to her, we found a really close and dear gaming friend (or so we thought) was not a girl, and turned out to be a guy who became her stalker. Since then, she’s been really guarded on who talks to her. and I don’t blame her.
People are so evil sometimes.
yoshis last blog post… New Moon
Oh Yoshi, if I were to discuss all the liars and weirdos I met through gaming we’d be here all day haha That’s a whole different kettle of fish right there!
Extenuating circumstances perhaps?
I know of a blogger who was stalked through her blog and therefore chose to continue blogging under an assumed name, with a lot of details of her life left out or changed. That is hardly something someone can blame her for. Maybe the same kind of extenuating circumstances count for the blogger you mentioned?
As for me, I blog under a fake name nowadays purely because I want my blogging life seperate from my working life. What I do write is true though, and I welcome comments and advice, but I also realize that my blog only portrays a tiny percentage of the “rest” of my life. And some people who do “know” me, may be surprised at what I write.
I think you may have misunderstood what I meant. This isn’t about anonymous blogging. As I said, I fully understand someone feeling the need to keep their name, location and other information private.
Where I take issue is not in what you leave out, but what you put in that is not true. For example…
If someone’s name is Margaret and they call themselves Alice. Whatever.
If Margaret lives in Rotterdam but says she lives in Amsterdam. Fine.
If Margaret is a housewife but says she works as a lawyer. Uhhh??
If Margaret writes lengthy blogs about her trip to Paris, but has never really been there. Weeeeird.
If Margaret says she’s fluent in Dutch and belongs to a knitting club and is on a bowling team, but actually rarely ever leaves the house and neither knits nor bowls. Wtf!
See what I mean? There’s keeping your private life private. There’s discussing only a portion of your real life. THEN there is writing total fiction. The latter is what I don’t understand.
*Edit* Oh, that was all fictional btw, I don’t know any Margarets or Alices :P
Also, this is not about this blogger in particular, it’s about the topic as a whole in regards to what level of truth people expect from bloggers they know. The situation with this blogger is just what made me think of it and discuss it again.
i get what you mean!
Elises last blog post… Doctor
I can understand wanting to be private about details of your life, but don’t come out with complete BS. That’s just not cool and you will be called on it eventually.
kapgars last blog post… Burn baby, burn…
I have also been very fortunate in that most people I met through blogging have been exactly the same in person as on their blogs. I know that there are some who have fake personalities online, and it’s not only on blogs either, there are facebook personalities which hardly resemble their real life personalities! To mitigate that, sometimes people are in flux and their interests are changing which can lead to some changes in tone etc which sometimes don’t sit easily with the reading public. I agree with Alison that one just has to be careful and smart about it. I’m curious though to read this blog about how lovely life is in the NL :)
Ashs last blog post… spatchcocked chicken with stuffed peppers
Weird, I’ve never really had that experience on Facebook at all. Although I’ve never really been looking for it. I think I’ve viewed Facebook as one of those places you are forced to be real because people actually KNOW you, so I have never suspected people of being fake on there. Maybe I’m naive! haha
Oooh boy,I had to grab a cup of coffee and settle myself in before I wrote this post. First later on today Im going to post a link from my dutch life website to here so others can read about it aswell.
Second,I feel your pain. I have also fallen victim to a fictional blogger. Before I came here I knew zilch about the blogging world. I had a job and a million other things going on that I never had time to get online. When I moved here I found myself with waaaay more time than I wanted. So I hit the web and found the wonderful world of expat blogs. As I have said many times before,yours was the first one I came across. Now with that being said I also discovered that people lie in their blogs..seriously I never even stopped to think that a blog I am reading could be totally false..why do that? but then why not do it? you can be anything you want on here. It’s not right but they aren’t the first ones to do it.
On here you can be that super go getter who despite not knowing the language goes to the grocery store,laughs about the horrible experience,smiles everyday,makes new friends,loves her neighbors, and doesnt allow anyone to rain on their parade. I personally would get sick of being like that but thats me. You do have to feel sorta sorry for them though because they obviously need this extra attention for some reason and living their “real life” here or wherever else they are may be to much for them. However being an expat it also sucks that they lie about their experience and get praise from others who want to be just like them and never knowing that they are far better off than this fake blogger is. The sad thing is though, when we work threw all of this and move on with our lives,they will still be stuck in their fantasy world coming up with new lies and never making headway in their real life.
I don’t know. I hate finding these things out because it makes you extra leery of meeting other expats and wondering if they are real or not. It leaves a very nasty taste in your mouth.
Sonyas last blog post… Creamy Mushroom Sauce
I’ve not really fallen victim to anyone, per se, as I said I’ve never met the person and the info I know about them is 2nd hand. This isn’t really about them as much as the general topic of truth in blogging. It’s something I’ve discussed before and after hearing about this blogger it brought it up again.
Sorry to hear you’ve had a bad experience.
I agree with your point that, especially at first, it is hard to find a balance between being honest and real and being overly negative. We don’t want our loved-ones to worry so we try to paint a rosy picture. What this person is doing is something different.
There are great fiction blogs out there but the best ones are upfront about the fact that they are fictional. It’s sad that this person feels they have to create a fictional world to replace the one they are not happy living in.
I’ve been fortunate that most of the people I’ve met through blogging have been pretty true to who they are in real life on their blogs. I guess we always run that risk though. There are a lot of crazies out there but I don’t think that should stop us from reaching out to people on-line. We just have to be careful and smart about it.
Alisons last blog post… Brussels Accessible Art Fair
Thankfully I’ve not met anyone in RL yet that has been very different to their blog either, but I make a point to chat and stuff first, so that helps :) I also try to meet in groups when I can.
Heh, now I wanna know which blog it is, to see if I read it. LOL
I guess I don’t really see the point in making up a fake persona and blogging about a life that doesn’t exist. Doesn’t that just take more time and energy away from actually living your real life? But then, I’ve never been a fan of people who play a role instead of being who they are. From my time in the MUD world, and message boards, I’ve met so many people who lie and create a fantasy world, and use it to deceive others.
We had a girl on my pregnancy board who lied about everything – name, age, being pregnant, details about the birth, etc. All of it was fake. She even used someone else’s photos, of the baby too. It went on for a couple years before we came across enough discrepancies and figured it out. How sad does someone’s life have to be that they need to do something like that? It’s pathetic. I think they must be starved for attention, and think that’s the best way to get it.
It would especially irritate me if the person who claimed to have this fairy tale life was then admonishing others for not adapting as she had. There were a lot of people in an expat group I was in who refused to allow anyone to speak of any bad experiences, and everyone had to act as though the life of an expat was rozengeur en maneschijn all the time. It wasn’t real, and made me feel like crap for having all of these problems. I felt like everyone else was getting it, and I was some kind of idiot. Well, it turns out it wasn’t all sunshine and roses for them either. I wish they’d have just listened and been supportive, it would have helped so many more people.
Oh lordy, have I met people like that. In real life, not online. That’s even worse, because it’s so embarrassing to get “the glare” or the snarky “I don’t have that problem!” At least if they get snarky online, you can say (to yourself) “oh, fek off.”
I think they’re on the edge…it takes everything they’ve got just to hold it together…and they’ve been raised to “suck it up”…that “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” I wouldn’t be surprised if they resent that you have given yourself permission to be honest…
There are so many great writers out there, and if they are going to use that talent to write a blog, then I think they could have some sort of disclaimer saying they stretch the truth/exaggerate greatly/make everything up. Of course I can see how that’s offputting for some readers, but if they’re entertaining, then why not make it work?
I think in the particular situation you’re talking about, it’s wrong, and I wondered the same thing as CW, she probably talked up how much fun moving to a new country was going to be before leaving, and so now she’s too embarrassed to admit it’s hard and wants all her friends and family back home to think she’s living it up. Or it an attention seeking thing too, some people are compulsive liars because they think they are cooler when they have cool stories, not realising that most of the time (probably easier in a face to face situation) the rest of us can usually pick up pretty quickly that they’re lying 90% of the time.
Nicolas last blog post… Bloggity-blog-blog
haha Nicola, I think the talking it up and having it not turn out to be as great as we thought thing is something EVERY expat I know has experienced. Lord knows I have!
That’s the hard part about the internet, you never really know what you are going to get and you have to take people at their word.
I can’t really speak for this blogger in particular and I don’t think they are a bad person. In fact, I’ve never had a 1-1 conversation with them at all. On their blog they are very friendly, informative and seem quite nice. When you hear that the person and life behind it is completely different than what they say, you kind of wonder what is real and what isn’t.
Good post Tammy, I agree with Theresa. Whomever this is, they should go into writing fiction. Life here or anywhere for that matter is not always rosey. If it is then you’re delusional or live in a cave. Another thought came to mind is they are just jealous. Therefore making up this fantasy life to feel better about themselves, which in the long run they are only hurting themselves. I’ve had more than my share of ups and downs and I’ve been criticized for talking about the downs. Now I only talk about the things I’m interested in and leave the rest behind where it belongs, in the past. Which in it’s own way is sad that one can not really feel free to be themselves. Talking about what’s bothering you is the best therapy. Atleast you’re getting it out of your system and at the sametime maybe helping someone who’s going thru something similiar to work thru their situations. Talking is good therapy for all. But fiction is best left to the writers of books and movies.
Thanks for another good blog.
I totally agree Denise, and lord knows I’ve had criticism as well in regards to posts about some of the negative aspects… but to be fair some of it was deserved because I was blogging about things that were better left private.
It’s a bit easier now to keep a balance though, whereas before the good stuff was so few and far between, it felt like my blog was just one big rant. Still though, I wouldn’t change it. It’s who I was then and at least I can look back and read it and see that things have changed, even though it’s been sloooowwww.
You are right, in the end it is just themselves they are hurting. From what I know they don’t have many friends in RL and having met some amazing friends who have found me through my blog, I feel sort of bad for them that they’ll never really have that… because I would assume they’d not want to meet people and show that they aren’t really who they say they are. It’s sad.
Food for thought.
Is her blog widely read? Perhaps she’s reassuring people back home? Or she’s put up this mask of bravado to impress those she left behind who will never know the difference.
Perhaps she believes in the psychobabble of The Secret — that the power of positive thinking will conjure up the energy to make the dream the reality. (Ah, Oprah, I swear you have only made women MORE neurotic to feed your Evil Empire!)
Or perhaps the blog is an escape from reality…where she can be what she really wants to be.
Yeah Laura, the blog is very popular among expats here in NL. As I said in my above comment to Theresa it’s a good and a bad thing, I think. I used to really like reading it but it’s just been a source of irritation since I heard about the author. Granted, I don’t know them myself and it’s all 3rd hand info, but after hearing it and then going back and reading, I kind of get the feeling it may be true.
Regardless, it’s not so much just about this one person, and I’m not here to ‘out’ someone… rather it just brought up an old pet peeve of mine :)
I don’t feel like I can overly chime in on this topic too much since I’m not a REALLY active blogger. I’ve had many different blogs over the years but have always only gotten to a certain point with them because they just didn’t feel genuine.
Either I was worried about being completely honest because I was unsure about who was reading it, or else I would only blog about the good things that happened because I didn’t want all my weaknesses to be so out there for everyone to read.
That’s not genuine to me. Ideally I’d be able to spill it all out and be completley truthful, but it’s hard to find a balance.
As far as this person you’re discussing, I think it’s more unfortunate for them. They’re obviously projecting a life they wish to be true but living nowhere close to reality. It must be quite painful really. Maybe they should get into fictional writing. Could be a good outlet for their “imagination” and lessen their need for lying.
OR, some people are just compulsive liars.
Theresas last blog post… Amour
I agree, and I feel sad for them too. I struggled a lot and there were a lot of times where things went on that I didn’t want to blog about. In the beginning I used to paint a more rosy picture for my family and friends as well. So I can understand the need to sugar coat, for sure. I just can’t imagine hating my life so much that I felt the need to make up another one.
I think what worries me is that this person’s blog is so popular and it’s a bit of a double edged sword. Even though the bulk of it is untrue, if people go there looking for info or tips, they will find it… but knowing the struggling mind, having lived it, I know if people go there who are perhaps not having such an easy time, they will feel terrible by comparison. That’s the part that I feel bad about, those people, because it’s like comparing your marriage to like… Edward and Bella from Twilight. It’s not real.
Breighs last blog post… Truth In Blogging