Canadutch
I really wish I had some honest and true friends I could talk to who wouldn’t judge, or try to tell me how easy things are when they aren’t. Who aren’t too wrapped up with their own lives to remember to say hello or get in touch. Someone who will just listen and be there… and make me feel like even though I can be a drag and my sadness here can be a downer, that I’m still worth being friends with. Who can remind me of all the good there is in me, ya know? Because sometimes I forget.I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I’m not sure why but it’s not really all that uncommon for me to wake up and go “Oh.. I’m still here. Ugh” Don’t worry I’m not being all dramatic and thinking I wish I didn’t wake up and was dead or something. Just, I wake up and realize I’m still in Holland.
When I left Canada last week (or the week before, whatever) I tried really hard to be upbeat about it. Saying to myself “oh this is just a year long vacation!” That the pressure of living here, feeling like I’d never get out, etc would be gone. I was wrong. It doesn’t feel ANY different. I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that in a year I’m going to be facing the same decisions I have in the past because Xander wasn’t really serious about the move. I’ll be faced with believing him again when he says another year, or leaving and going back to start over on my own. He says he’s totally serious, he even said it in front of my family. They believed him, so why can’t I? Maybe because I’ve heard it before, maybe because I’m just so defeated now that I won’t believe it until I’m actually on the plane.
Anyway, so I’m online after I get up and am chatting with some friends. The whole dread/depressed feeling gets the best of me and I let some of it out. One of my “Friends” decides to give me the Grow some balls speech. (yeah, he actually said grow some balls). Telling me to make the best of it etc. Gee, why didn’t I think of that? It amazes me how people who have never left their own country, never left what is comfortable and secure (heck.. haven’t even left their parent’s house yet!!) think they know what it’s like and that it’s so easy to fix. Like they have the first clue what real lonliness is, what it’s like to feel like an alien every time you step out the door, the affects years of culture shock and depression can have on a person’s emotions and sanity. *sigh*
Anyway, I tried explaining this to my friend and told him that if he wants to be a good friend, to please not give me the “life is what you make it” speech. He promptly told me to “Fuck you”.. nice. Thanks umm.. friend? Why don’t people understand that the whole tough love thing is great for the little things, like the last mile of a marathon or studying for school… but when it comes to life, depression, and anxiety it can have the reverse affect? It just makes it worse. When you’ve been trying and failing to do things for years and someone tells you to just try harder, you feel like an even bigger failure than you did before you spoke to them. Who wants to think their friends see them as weak or unable, or like some kind of loser? Nobody..
I mean, it’s unavoidable that I’m going to have a period of feeling this way after coming back, isn’t it? It’s not like I came back to Holland because I want to be here. I came back because it’s the only way to sort things to go back to Canada. I rode back here on a sea of promises. After five years of broken ones (regarding moving anyway) is it that hard to understand why I’m skepitcal and scared? My parents say “Well, if he doesn’t really make it happen this time, you come back yourself”. Like it’s so easy to just up and leave my husband, I mean how would I do that? xander says “I really mean it this time!” How do I believe that when I’ve heard it before and it never happened?
I want to keep my chin up and say “oh yeah everything is great!” because I’m tired of being the bummer, the nut, the drag… I want to be able to be who I was when I was in Canada. For three weeks I was ME, the real me!! I smiled and I laughed and I spent time with the people I love, I was SO FUCKING HAPPY! I know this miserable soul I am now is not who I AM, rather just who I can’t help being when I’m here. Does that make sense? So the more I feel this way the more I want the time to go by. Ugh I don’t know..
People don’t realize what it’s like for the person who feels the sadness where they are concerned either. Friends, family, and especially parents. We all want to be the ones who have it together, we want to strive and make our parents proud. When you’re feeling down or are struggling with life, especially if you have depression.. you feel like you are the worlds biggest disappointment. People have no idea what the weight of that is like on someone. Especially when your friends and family keep telling you to do better, it’s not so bad, come on cheer up, life is what you make it! That means, I’m making myself feel this way? How can that be? I want to be happy, I want to make THEM happy, how can they think that I want it to be this way? So then not only are you weak, but you’re also entirely to blame. It’s like a foot on the top of your head while you try desperately to swim. I’m sure they mean well but as they say, the road to hell was paved with good intentions.
Anyway, growing up sucks, I swear I’d give anything to be five again and be able to do everything over. I guess most people feel that way for some reason though. Tonight I am going out with Xander and Alan to dinner and to see The Day After Tomorrow. Hopefully that will get me out of this funk today.
All I know is the only place I feel like going today is back to bed.
Wake me up in a year..
