Canadutch
*Yawn* It’s 7:15am now and I’m still tired but I can’t sleep. Wow, see how long it takes me to get just this far, from “Time” in the list above to writing this. I’m such a multitasker. The last week or so has been strange for me. After speaking to this Dutch guy who is living in Halifax and asking him about the process he went through to move to Halifax and getting his feelings on being there, hearing what my father in law had to say to my husband when he heard we were going to move and considering the expense of moving. Together with my doubts about how well I’ve handled living here and my homesickness together with how I think Xander will feel about whatever work he finds in Halifax etc. My mind has been in a complete whirlwind and I’ve really had to force myself to see things as they really are, rather than how I’ve tried to make them be over the years.
So many times over the years I said how I was going to make it work here, going to really try etc. I never did though, it was just some halfassed way of making it seem like things were going to be ok. Like if I said it, it would just magically happen. Sure I made a few small efforts, but nothing that would make any significant difference, and even those I gave up on after a while.
Anyway, I’ve had to take a long hard look at myself. For so long I’ve just sat in this house like a brat saying “It’s all your fault Xander, you brought me here in the first place!” because that was so easy. I could sit here and miss home while blaming him for everything. Granted, he’s not totally innocent and there are definately things he could have done to better prepare for me getting here and help me settle in. I’m not blame free though, far from it.
What have I realized about myself? I’m childish. When things get too hard I run from them and if anyone expects me to stop running I throw a tantrum. I blame other people for the situations I willingly put myself in and expect them to figure everything out and make it better. Then I wonder why I have such a huge feeling of worthlessness sometimes and why I get so insecure. What have I done in these past five years to be proud of? Nothing really.. In the back of my mind I’ve always known it but not wanted to do anything about it, and that’s built up such huge sadness and upset inside me. I need to stop depending on other people for everything and find my own way.
I realized that the whole time I’ve been here I’ve romanticised life in Canada to a degree that it could probably never live up to and I’ve made Holland into hell on earth. Is it though? Is it hell on earth or did I just MAKE it that way for me because there was so much hard work involved in settling in here, that it was easier to just say “Nope, hate it! I wanna go home!”.
How can I ask Xander to take the risk for me and start his life over completely, when I haven’t done that for him? Yes I moved, but I didn’t start over, I hung onto my old life and wouldn’t let go. I know myself and if we go back to Canada and things aren’t as peachy as I believed it would be in my head, I’d look back on being here and feel like such a failure… because it was just one more thing I didn’t do. One more thing I ran from and expected other people to make up for.
Xander has a good job here, he feels important, respected and appreciated. He makes a nice salary and has a job that is flexible. In Halifax, will he have that? I doubt it. In Canada workers are treated so much different than here, they are often treated like drones, and he’s not used to that. He’d hate it, I know he would. Not to mention other aspects of life here regarding his work. If we have a baby, he gets time off to help me! Wow what a concept!! In Canada, yeah he’d get a few days maybe but then it’s back to the grindstone! He gets 5 weeks vacation each year, in Canada he’d be lucky to get two weeks and even that is only after working for a year. I may work in Canada, but he’ll always be the main provider. Shouldn’t he be happy where he works and with what he does? *sigh* How do I take that away from him just because I am too stubborn to do the very things I’m expecting him to do for me?? Not to mention the fact that I’ve had Europe right at my fingertips all these years and haven’t really done a damn thing to explore it. Sure I’ve travelled to other countries, but that was just to meet my gaming buddies and hang out. We’d meet up, get drunk and party together but I never got to really see their countries. To see the beautiful countrysides, the cities or whatever sites there are to see. Ok I have in some, but not all! There are SO many places I still want to see in Europe, places I want to explore together with Xander. If we move to Halifax there is no way we’d have an income that would support trips to Europe, no way in hell! Shit, I’d love to go on a cruise. If I went on one when we live in Halifax, we’d have to pay more to fly to the place it departs from than we would for the cruise itself. There are cruises leaving from Rotterdam (or England, which isn’t far) all the time! Not to mention it’s dirt cheap to get all inclusive trips to places like Spain, Turkey and other exotic places I’ve never seen.
Do I want to be near my family, god yes. I miss them so much sometimes that I ache… but like my mother reminded me yesterday, I need to live life. I’m in a world where so many cool people, places and things are just WAITING for me to discover them. Why am I wasting this opportunity?!! I can see my family, they can come here, we can go there. Yes, I’d love to be near them and hope to be again one day… but the time for that isn’t now. I wish I’d realized this five years ago and spent those years really living but I can’t change that now. I can only change the next five…
Oh, and as for Project Baby, that’s still very much underway. which I don’t think it would have been had we decided to move to Canada. Who knows when we’d be in a position to be able to have a child there.. we’d be starting from scratch. Now it’s all systems go!!
It’s funny, the other night Xander called his dad and told him we planned to move. I don’t think he was too keen on the idea. He also refused to help us at all financially… I wonder if he was just being a tightwad or did he already know what I’ve just come to realize and was giving us some tough love. Guess I’ll never know.
So, Monday I start making arrangements for Dutch lesson and Driving lessons (which I need to get a Dutch drivers license, I can’t just trade my Canadian one in *boo hoo*). Wish me luck!!
