Canadutch
As promised, here is Daisy! (click the thumbnail to see her gallery). This morning I went in to check on her and she was hanging out in her flower pot with her little turtle behind sticking out at me. When I turned it around I saw her peeking out the other side and just had to take some pics. I think her shell is beautiful, kind of makes me sad to think of how many of these beautiful creatures had to die for all those tortoiseshell items around the world. I guess I shouldn’t say anything though, as long as I wear leather shoes. She’s about twice as big as The Bunkers but she’s so much heavier.I’m having such an awesome time hanging out with Gus and Ike, these dogs are amazing! I honestly wish I could just tuck them in my pockets and take them home with me. I will wish for Staci and Chris to plan many many trips in the future so I can come here and cuddle with their boys some more. Their pics honestly don’t do them justice, without experiencing the personalities that go with it, you just can never get the extent of their cuteness.
Today when I was checking the stats for my website I saw all the usual referrals, orkut, 1up, google, etc. There was one website I didn’t recognize so I went to check it out. It was the WoW guild website for a guild I knew years ago in DaoC. When I opened the page it was a thread on their forums where one of the members was giving a link to my photo gallery. The person who did it was someone I had some friction with when I was gaming. We had some bickering matches and shared a general dislike of each other. From time to time I’d post on different DaoC forums just to say Hi to old friends and he would say something sarcastic, I’ve tried to get my point across that I lost interest in the old arguments and have been away from it long enough for all grudges to have gone away. So when I saw he’d looked me up and posted this website for all his guildmates I was surprised, but not really shocked. A few of them commented on my looks, calling me ugly and having a laugh. All this over 3 years after I last played with them.
I haven’t gamed regularly in quite a long time now, over a half a year. Before that I gamed daily but had lost interest months before and just continued it out of habit. I was never really sure what made me start losing interest in gaming, I knew whatever it was it was the same thing that prevented me from starting again. I’ve missed gaming, but each time I’ve gone to take the step to start again, something has held me back. I think I’m starting to understand what that mystery feeling of dread was, and where it came from.
The bulk of my time gaming was during my depression. I gamed a lot. There were days where I would take breaks only to use the bathroom and sleep, I would even eat while I was playing. I was hiding from my life and immersing myself into a fantasy world. While I was playing it always felt like I was surrounded by drama, always in the middle of some argument or another. I would blame everyone else, and many times it was justified, but not always. There were times when I just created it because I needed release or excitement.
When things changed in RL and I started getting better I couldn’t keep up with my old routines in game. I felt like my time was being wasted and couldn’t rationalize the way I used to. When I stopped gaming it felt really good. I was proud of myself for getting out of that world and into the real one. I wanted to leave that negative person behind and forget that I ever acted in such a dramatic and juvenile way.
Once I felt I was starting to get life under control I missed gaming. While it was a great escape for a while, it was also a hobby of mine and I really enjoyed it. I was just bad at keeping my priorities straight. So after getting things straight in RL, why was I hesitant to start gaming again? I knew I wouldn’t get as lost in the games as I used to, because I will be in school all week and so on. I have plans, I actually have a life now, so why I was I worried? I knew that in part, I was worried about returning to old games because people would be expecting the same person who left, and I’m not that person anymore. I don’t have the interest or the energy to put into all that arguing and drama.
That’s when it hit me, today when I read the thread made by my former “enemy”. I am not afraid of myself or my inability to prioritize. It’s not just me, it never was just me! Who did I have all those fights with? Who did I go back and forth with giving grief to and getting it from them? I became that person because I adapted to my surroundings, I became like the people around me. Don’t get me wrong, there are very very many good people who play these online RPG games. I’ve met a lot of very nice and interesting people through gaming, I’ve even met some of them in real life and they were perfectly normal. Some of the best friendships I have to date are with people I’ve met through gaming. What I am saying though, is that there is another level of people in these games as well. Lonely, sad, depressed, angry, insecure people who, like I did, use the games for their own purpose. Whether it’s to gain a sense of power, popularity, or just to feel “cool”. They go into these games and prey on other gamers, mentally tearing them down and climbing on their backs to help themselves get wherever they need to go. Grown men and women who still bicker and behave like children in a schoolyard. Bullying each other and calling each other names so they look better.
These people used to really get to me, I worried about what my friends (and enemies) thought of me in these games. I know for those of you who have never played it’s hard to undertstand, but when you are immersed in these games the characters you play with take on a personality, they become real to you in a way.. through the actions of the people behind them. People who didn’t roleplay as such, but still pretended to be something they are not.
Today when I saw the thread with the old DaoC players (who are now playing World of Warcraft) poking fun at me, for an instant I felt like the old “Breigh” again. The one who was hurt by these things, who cared what the other gamers thought of her and struggled alongside the others to reach the top. That feeling went away very quickly though, and common sense took over. I realized that here I was feeling bad because this man, who is older than I am, spent time looking me up on the internet so he could show is other buddies my website and have a laugh. After three years seperation, he still took the time to do this, and I was embarassed?
That’s when it came to me, when I realized that I have nothing to be embarassed about! Here I have this website showing anyone who wants to look exactly who I am. Discussing my hopes and dreams, my weaknesses and failures and generally working towards becoming a better, stronger and more fulfilled person. This man comes along, years after we had been associating, looking for some little scrap to take back to his friends to pick apart. Friends who, like him, don’t talk about who they really are, their trials in life or what makes them the way they are. Rather just hide behind these facades of greatness resulting from… success in a game?
Suddenly I didn’t feel embarassed at all, rather I felt sad for these people that they are still in the same place I left them. That they have not grown emotionally or intellectually …
I should probably be angry with him for it, but I’m more thankful because seeing his post has served as a test and it has helped me realize that I AM ready to game again, because I no longer share these personality traits with the mind-gaming gamers. I’ve reached a level where they can’t touch me, and I can just enjoy gaming as a hobby and have fun.
Good grief, now I’m embarassed to have gone on about gaming so much. Those of you who don’t / have never been into online games must think this all sounds insane, just trust me on it and move along… go look at the pics of the turtle!
Now, I am going to have a looooong bath while I’m in a house with a bathtub I can soak in.. mmmmm
