Indecisive

It’s 5:48am and I’m awake. Well, awake might be a bit of a stretch but I’m out of bed. I got out of bed for yucky girl reasons I’d explain but I fear it would make the boys never come back.

It sucks being one of those people who can’t get up and go back to bed. If I have to pee, have a coughing attack, get bitten by mosquitos or have unmentionable girl things taking place and I wake up. I get out of bed and I’m up, that’s it. So I’ve been sitting here since about 4:45am… Lovely.

There isn’t much to do at that time of the morning other than hang around and think. I’ve been thinking about how incredibly indecisive I am… especially over the past few years (since living in NL). I don’t think there has been anything in my life in the last 5 years or so that I haven’t changed my mind about at least twice… from big things to the little insignificant things.

Hair – Long hair, short hair, black hair, red hair, red and black hair, black and purple hair… the list goes on and on.
Piercings – Nose, eyebrow, eyebrow, nose…
Dutch – Hate it, learn it, hate it, learn it, hate it, learn it.
Work – Search high and low, fuck it don’t want a job anyway, gotta get a job, screw that, got a job, I quit!, I want a job!
Weight– Gotta lose weight, I’m happy the way I am, fuck I’m out of shape, more to love! I’m SO going on a diet!
In laws – love ’em, hate ’em, love ’em, hate ’em, they’re ok… FOAD!!
House – keep renting, buy it, keep renting, buy it, lets move, buy this place, need a bigger place, this is fine, buy it!
Canada – I want to go home!! Oh, NL isn’t that bad, we’re leaving!, we’re staying!, I hate this place I want to move back!, NL Forever!
Crafts – I want to learn photography!, Scrapbooking!, I want a new crossstitch!, expensive quilting lessons! I’m so gonna finish this one!, I never do.
Pets – Awww my babies!, I hate those fucking cats!, look how cute he looks, fucking kitty litter!, come cuddle!, oh ffs goddamn cat hair!! Find a new home!, No, they’re mine!
Weather – I love the fall! Winter blues I need the sun!, Summer rules!, Argh too hot!! can’t wait for winter, Winter sucks I’m so depressed!.
Furniture – Honey lets move the livingroom around!, Hate it, let’s move it back, Let’s move it again, I have a better idea!, Let’s move the bed!
People – I need more friends, people suck, I want to socialize, I don’t want to go! I want friends, people piss me off!

The list goes on and on… Seriously, I honestly think I have some sort of mental disorder, besides the depression I mean. The last time I was at the doctor she reccomended a place with psychiatrists and such. I dunno, maybe I’ll look into it in the winter. That’s another thing I’ve been indecisive about… whined for ages that I have nobody to talk to but when the option is there I don’t go because I’m afraid of what they will say.

The thing I’ve been most indecisive about lately is children. Which is pretty ironic considering I’ve been obsessing about having a child for years. Three years to be exact…

For my entire life I’ve said the same thing to the men I’ve been with. My body is like a microwave, pop things in and out all ya like but don’t dare try to bake in it!

I honestly never saw myself as the type to ever want children. I wanted to live, travel, have time to myself and be free to do what I want to do without the burdon of any little people needing me. I saw babies as crying, screaming poop machines and had no interest in them beyond the odd cuddle before giving them back to mommy.

Something changed when I was 28, like someone flicking a switch. Suddenly I became obsessed with having children… I wanted a baby and I wanted one NOW! This kind of thing isn’t unusual for me, with most things I want, I want them NOW… but this was different because I had no control over it, and nobody could give it to me to shut me up.

I don’t know what my reasons were for getting so obsessed with it. I’ve thought about it a lot and came up with a few possible answers…

I thought maybe it was because my mother lost the ability to have children when she was 29, and I was worried that what happened to her might happen to me too. It’s not really been something that was active in my mind all the time but there have been times I’ve thought about it and wondered…

It may have been because of growing up and realizing how alone I am, or could be. I don’t mean physically alone… rather alone in the sense of being an only child. Yes, I have Xander and if my dreams come true we will be together for the rest of our lives. I’m not blind to the fact of the day and age I live in though… and there is a part of me who thinks… “what if…?” What if one day Xander meets another woman and leaves me? What if that happens and my parents are already gone? I’ll have nobody. I’m essentially an only child, I do have a half sister but we’re not that close. I would have no real family… perhaps that sparked the obsession to start my own. So that when I look into the future, even to the point where I’m old and grey… I’d know I’d still have family and people who love me.

One big possibility was that it was a desire that came out of depression and pure lonliness. I wouldn’t be alone every day… It gave me something to think about, to try to work towards and possibly something to look forward to. Being away from my family, not working, and feeling so low about myself… I may have needed a purpose. I think I thought if I had a child, I’d feel like I was really doing something meaninful here… that I could put all my energy and love into this child and I could stop waking up every day wondering what I’m doing/going to do with my life… because I was a mother. LIke it would help me define myself somehow. Also, so that when I was asked for the 20283823rd time “What do you do here?!” I could look at them with that judgemental look they always give me when I say “umm I’m a housewife” and say “Wtf do you think I do dumbass, I’m a mother!”.

Hell… maybe it was just my biological clock ticking out of control.

I don’t know, but whatever the reason was… I don’t feel it now. Is it because I’m on my anti-depressants again? I don’t know. It could be… maybe they are making me see things a bit more clearly now. Maybe it’s because the obsession with having a child has been replaced with the obsession of losing weight… or maybe it’s because things in our lives are really starting to change. With my moods being much better and more stable, us making plans and having things to look forward to.. like getting the car, joining a gym, travelling and all the things we should have been doing all these years?

In any case, I’m sort of back where I started. I’m not sure I want to have children.

Rather, I’m not sure what I want… or don’t want. I don’t know if I do want to have children but have become scared and jaded by the years of disappointment and upset that came with each month that we failed to concieve… or if I spent the last 3-4 years chasing a dream that I’m not even sure was mine to begin with.

So confusing…