Canadutch
Other than wishing I’d never dated this douchebag or acted like such a shithead when I first moved here, I think the thing I wish I hadn’t done in my life is waste my opportunity for a decent education by quitting college. I went to college straight out of high school, which was a mistake, but a bigger mistake was quitting.
I really wanted to take a year off as I had a job at the time that I could have worked full time. I really had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, so I thought taking some time off to figure it out was the best way to go. I think my family was afraid that if I didn’t go then that I never would, and perhaps they were right… but I caved to the pressure and went anyway. I chose to take a Bachelor of Arts, mostly because it seemed closest to the things I was interested in and I knew I didn’t dig science or any of the other options. Oh, and that’s what my friends were taking so at least I could share classes with them.
I hated it. To be honest I always hated school.. I think I had a touch of ADHD or something as I always had a lot of trouble concentrating. I got sidetracked easily when I’d try to study, which would lead to a panic when test time came… and it didn’t improve any when I got to college. Rather than studying and thinking of what I wanted to do with my life, I drank and partied with my friends… a LOT. There wasn’t a single night of the week where we weren’t at a club or house party.
Me and my friends partying one Halloween during the college years. I’m in the middle in the frog costume.
I had a GREAT time during those years, but it had nothing to do with school, it was all about the parties. I loved my friends and I love all the good times we had together. I have a million stories about the crazy shit we got up to… but those stories don’t get you anywhere when you are looking for a job, or when you are sitting around with a group of new friends and they are talking about their education and careers.
While I was in college I was working part time. Between school, work and trying to keep up with my busy social life… something had to give and it was the thing I was the least interested in – school. Work gave me money and partying with my friends was fun. School was frustrating because I had difficulty forcing myself to study subjects I wasn’t actively interested in, so the subjects I was rather meh about (Economics, English…) suffered while I did really well in ones I actually enjoyed (Psychology, Anthropology etc). Unfortunately the ones I did enjoy didn’t make up for the others when it came down to my grades.
After two and a half years, I’d had enough and left college to go to work full time. I had student loans, nothing to show for it, and I still had no idea what I wanted to do. I didn’t have enough credits to graduate and I was tired of building up debt for something I didn’t believe in.
Hindsight is 20/20 of course. I wish more than anything that I had done whatever I could to make it through. I wish I really understood how important my education would be and how quitting would later affect me in regards to my self esteem and how I view myself on the social ladder.
I wish I could go back and do it all over. I’d get help with learning how to organize my studies and find a way to create balance between my school work and my social life, because now I feel uneducated, sometimes stupid. That’s not a nice feeling at all, especially knowing that I have nobody but myself to blame for it. My younger self, I guess.
I often have nightmares about school. I’ll dream that I am in college and I walk in and don’t know where to go, because it’s been so long since I’ve been to class that I don’t remember where the rooms are. So I’m walking through corridors lost.. or I go to class and have no idea what anyone is talking about. I dream that I go to class after missing weeks and weeks to find out there is a huge exam and I’m looking at this pile of books not knowing where to start.
Time and time again with the dreams about being back in college, lost and panicked. It’s sad and frustrating.
That is something I wish I hadn’t done. I can’t say I wish I hadn’t gone in the first place, just for the sake of saving myself the student loans, because I had far too much fun and I wouldn’t want to give up those memories… but I would have tried to at least get a diploma out of it as well.
Perhaps I’ll go back to school one day, but it’s a little more complicated trying to do it from here. It means becoming fluent enough in Dutch to go to school or studying remotely. It would also depend on if we could afford it. Maybe someday…
P.S. Another thing I wish I hadn’t done is this 30 Days of Fucking Truth, I’m so over it already. Ugh. I will finish it though… I mean, I didn’t finish college so I should at least finish this! haha
If it makes you feel any better – I think the school dreams involving feeling lost and panicked are relatively universal. I loved university, was a total nerd, finished my degree ages ago and I had one of those dreams last week.
It’s a tough trying to decide at 18 what you want to do in life, and then making it through years of college just to try it out. I’m on career #2 and wouldn’t be surprised to try out a few more in the coming decades.
Yeah it’s crazy to expect people to know what they want to spend the rest of their life doing by the time they are 18. I wish I was one of those people who just always knew, that would have made things a lot easier! :)
i also quit school to go off and do my own thing…which was being a nanny in New York just to get me away from the life I was leading. I needed change. I had a wonderful 4 years as a nanny and saw a lot and learned a lot, about myself. However, I was still not settled enough to do the school thing and hit the west coast, again being a nanny as it was something I was good at and enjoyed, and also gave me the opportuinity to explore.
When I heade dback to my roots to settle down and try my luck at school again, I found myself pregnant. I was 23 and needed to make a life for my child. That (he) is what finally gave me the motivation.
I finished school with honors at age 25 with a degree in elementary education and a minor in art. I was so proud of myself, because it wa shard being a single parent working and going to school. But I made it, and when I got my first teaching job I was on top of the world.
That feeling left me when I moved here. It was a piece of me that was taken away and I have never been able to achieve again. I crave it, but am scared to go in search of what I love. INstead, I help in my son’s classes, I’m the cool mom that plays with the kids and does crafts and bakes cookies WITH them…but I am no longer a teacher.
I *almost* wish I didn’t have those stacks of student loans sitting waiting for payment on something I am unable to use. It feels *almost* like it was a waste of time, energy, money…but then I remember that feeling of pride…and I think it really was worth it.
I hope if you ever have the opportunity, you will go back to learn…but aren’t you already doing that a bit? Photography club…something you love, learn from, and succeed at. New crossstitch patterns, new crochet designs…all things I can’t imagine being able to achieve. You deserve to be proud Tammy. You inspire me every day.
Thanks Tera :) I often feel very much the same as you describe feeling here. Like I’m just a piece of who I used to be, or who I thought I could be. Oh such is the life of an expat… or at least an import bride expat haha
I also quit college, mostly because I wasn’t ready and let my mother strongarm me into going to begin with. I was 18 and had other plans.
Now, 10 years later, I am enrolled and getting ready to start it all again. Except, this time, I have 10 years of real life behind me. I know I appreciate it a lot more now because I am the one paying for it and because I know what it will do for my career when I’m done.
It’s only two years, and it’s going to take a lot out of me…but like you, there are times I feel so damn stupid for quitting, and not having a degree. It’s also hard to compete in my family…my mom has an MBA, my FIL has a BA, BIL has a BA, SIL as a Ph.D and my brother an AS.
I hope you’ll get to go back to school, too. You are so smart!
That’s awesome that you went back and are going to finish it off! :) I think I’d definitely appreciate it a lot more too!