Happy Place

Whoever says to think of a “Happy Place” when you’re feeling crap must be a fucking idiot. I tried that yesterday, which was an upsetting and frustrating day, and I just got more upset because I’m not in the happy place! I’ve been in the “Bad Place” mentally for the last few weeks, I’m not sure what has triggered it exactly or how I can fix it but I’m trying to avoid tantrums and the urge to become a complete hermit the best I can.

The other day I said to Xander.. “Man I wish someone made motivation pills, or happy pills with a little energy thrown in too”
He said “They do, it’s called extacy”

Almost makes me wish I was into the whole drug thing. I think speed would be my drug of choice though, I’d get so much done and lose weight too, bonus!

Yesterday we went to see the “baby” doctor again.. and yet again they are going to run more tests on me. The conversation basically consisted of:

Me: This is what’s wrong, my body is doing this and this .. and this other thing has happened from time to time too.
Him: Ok I want to run some more bloodwork to check your levels of this and this.
Me: So if this is the problem what can you do for it?
Him: Nothing really..
Me: But I read in this book and that book that if you have this problem you can get this treatment or that treatment.
Him: Don’t believe everything you read, here in THE NETHERLANDS we believe.. . *Enter lecture about how differently they do things here and how much material he gets daily about infertility*
Me: Ok … then what about this other thing that you mentioned before?
Him: We won’t do that until the end of the year.
Me: Why?
Him: Because you’ve only (ONLY?!) been trying for 1.5 years.
Me: We haven’t only been trying for 1.5 years, we’ve only been seeing you for 1.5 years!
Him: Well that’s all that matters *Enter lecture about how doctors aren’t miracle workers and women are too impatient here*
Me: We’ve been married for 5 years and left it up to nature for the first 3 and nothing! We think what the hell and decide to see a doctor. Now 1.5 years later we’re told we haven’t been trying long enough?
Him: It’s been 1.5 years since you expressed the wish.
Me: But it’s covered 100% by our insurance.. it’s clearly not working on our own. You’re not saying it wouldn’t work you’re just saying we haven’t waited long enough?
Him: Yes
Me: I don’t understand *Enter tears and desperate plee for any shred of hope of ever becoming a mother here*
Him: *Enter cold borg like stare here with another lecture on how little doctors can actually do here*

Needless to say we left the hospital feeling pretty shitty. That doctor was great the first few times we dealt with him but this time he was horrible.. not only did he not do a thing to try to get us to hold any hope of this happening for us, but it was as if he was trying to squash any hope we had going in there. What kind of doctor actually sits there and tells you that doctors like him really don’t do much. I mean, if that’s the case what does he get paid for?

It’s like, with the exception of my husband, the Netherlands breeds cold, inhuman, insensitive pricks. What is it with this country? What kind of men can see someone desperately trying to cling to any bit of hope they have and just repeatedly stomps on their head like that? I’m not saying I want false hopes.. I’m not stupid, I don’t want someone telling me “Oh yea don’t worry we can fix EVERYTHING!” but I sure as hell don’t want someone sitting there telling me there’s nothing they can do for anything, everything I read is just some stupid american crap that the ALMIGHTY Dutch don’t follow, and that the doctors we look to for help are really as useless as tits on a bull.

I spent most of yesterday crying and it certainly didn’t help when I had to get out the stupid folder to fill shit in for this work search crap at school. I wasn’t there since last Thursday and have to go today and try to talk to someone about this class. Either getting out of it or moving to another more suitable program.. I didn’t sign up for computer lessons, for a work search workshop or to be treated like a goddamn refugee. I want to learn the langauge, period.

It’s funny because when I went to my Dutch lists on Yahoo to have a little rant among other women who live here (they always understand), the most recent threads on BOTH lists were people complaining about the inburgeringscursus. So at least I know I’m not alone..

I swear, if it was anyone else in the world other than Xander, I would have been out of here so so so so long ago. I really miss being me, rather than whoever this imposter is that has invaded my body since I’ve lived here. What sucks most is that the person I am now is all people over here see… they can’t see who I was before I came here, and that really blows.