Heartbroken

As you know, for a very long time I have been at odds with myself in regards to my cats.   It’s hard when you love the cats themselves for their personalities and who they are, but hate everything that comes along with them.   Every time I cleaned our flat and woke up the next morning to our sofas and floors covered in a mass of hairballs, I cringed.  Then I growled.  Then I had minor tantrums.

Every time I noticed a guest trying to discreetly pull an airborne cat hair out of his/her food, brush the cat hair from the back of their pants or pretend not to smell the fresh dump one of the cats just had, inside I died of embarrassment.

When I would buy something new for the house and later find it eaten, shredded or smashed I would twitch with anger and frustration.

… but then every time I saw them laying on my bed looking so sweet, I’d melt and wonder how I could ever give them up.

Today I did, and my heart is breaking.

When I wasn’t working I struggled to keep up with the mess they created in the house.  Now that I am working 40 hours a week, I don’t have a chance, and the more hair there is in the house the worse both of our allergies are.

I know that they could easily live another 5-10 years and that there was no way I could continue to deal with the frustration and keep putting off the things I wanted to do with our house.

It was time.  Deep down I knew it but at the same time I had never given up a pet in my life and never thought I would.   They were MINE.  I remember taking them home as babies.  How could I just suddenly know I would never see them again?  How could I make that choice?

I’d spoken to Xander about it a lot, we both knew that giving them up is the right decision for us.   I asked every single person I know, I made ads on websites asking people to give them a home… and finally I looked into a dierenopvang (a shelter).

Unlike shelters back home that are run by the government, this place doesn’t put the animals to sleep after a set amount of time.   They are there until a suitable home is found for them.   The place is run by volunteers and they are part of a dierenbescherming (animal protection) group, so I know they have the animals best interests at heart.   We made sure that they would agree to keep the cats together, and we can call later to find out if they have found a home for them.   There are a number of cat rooms, each sort of set up with livingrooms but with a lot of climbing posts and stuff and they make sure that the cats that are put in each one get along.  They care about animals and aren’t just a middle man between owners.  Plus, it cost us almost €200 to put them in there, and will cost whoever wants to adopt them as well… so I know that everyone involved will have what is best for the cats at heart.

When you want to take your pet there you have to call in the morning and find out if they have space.  When they do you take the pet in right away.   Xander had called the last few days but they never had space.  I think deep down I thought the same thing would happen today, so I just left for work like any other day.   I didn’t have any kind of goodbye…

By 10:30am I knew they were gone.   I spent the entire day at work trying not to cry, and failing at times.   I cried the whole way home in the car and haven’t stopped yet.   I’m so worried about them, scared for them…  I hate not knowing where they are going or who they are going to end up with.  I worry that we have made a mistake, I feel guilty for ‘giving up’ on them.   I miss them already… my heart is in pieces.  They deserve owners who will love them fully though, and for the last while there has been a lot of frustration and resentment mixed in with my love for them.

I know this will change over time, and I do know we did the right thing for us.   I just hope it was the right thing for them as well…

This really fucking sucks.