The Things You Don’t Expect Post-WLS

A friend of mine posted a video on our little WLS group today and I literally laughed out loud.  I can relate to every single thing the girl says in this video and I applaud her for making things that suck so damn bad be so funny.

Though she goes about it in such a funny way, you may think she is exaggerating… but sadly, she isn’t.

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Be prepared, because when I showed this video to my husband and asked if it seemed familiar?  He said yes, especially the swearing.  So yeah, there’s going to be swearing. I try to hold back usually but I am not going to bother in this post because it’s stuff that irritates the shit out of me.  It makes me sigh, whine, scream, cry and yes, sometimes I just can’t do anything but laugh!

Let me say, before I get started ranting about these things, that none of it is so bad that it has EVER made me regret my decision to have the surgery.  That doesn’t mean that the whole experience is rainbows and lollypops either.  People who think that this is easy, that you have surgery, lose weight and suddenly are free of all body issues?  Oh boy, how little they know!  So while I am about to rant about the issues I have after losing weight, it by no means bothers me to the point of not absolutely LOVING where I am at the moment with all of this.  It’s just those ‘another day in the life’ type of things that come along with having WLS or losing a large amount of weight.

So here we go…

The Ass Pain

Oh god help me!! Not only have I had to see a physiotherapist because after having lost the weight my core muscles settled weird, thus giving me a tilted pelvis.. which irritated my SI joint… but if I sit on my ass too long (especially on a hard chair) it makes me want to weep from the pain.  The lack of cushioning is most definitely noticed and it’s exactly the way she described.  SO FUCKING PAINFUL!!

This past weekend I went away for a sleepover with some friends. It was a three hour train ride and while it wasn’t so bad on the way there, thanks to having to switch a few times, the direct train back was like torture.  I tried not to whine too much, but after about two hours I got VERY shifty and complainy.  There was no way to get comfortable and I could not get off that train quickly enough. OW OW OW FUCKING OW!!

In fact, it hurts right now.  Right at this very minute my ass hurts like a mofo.

Space Between the Thighs

This one is kind of funny because I still have really big thighs and they still touch. I think they will still touch until I have them corrected with surgery someday, which will be absolutely necessary.  My legs were one of the biggest parts of me when I was heavy, so incredibly big.  I will be able to tone up to some extent but there is a lot of skin that must be dealt with.  I have a gap at the top but then just below my thighs do meet up again.

That said, how can I put this delicately.  There are certainly feelings I’ve had, like… breezes? and been like “WHAT WAS THAT?”.  Not having -as much- going on in the thigh department and having a gap there definitely feels different and there is, for sure, that moment where you suddenly realize it.  It sounds bizarre but there is a moment where you move a certain way, whether you are getting dressed, having a pee or getting out of the shower… when it all sort of just comes to you. It feels weird, so incredibly weird, and you have to stop and process it.

I had a moment just like she did “What was that?  Why am I feeling this certain thing?  What is wrong? Is there something wrong?  No, wait… I think this is happening because I now have a gap at the top of my legs… that is SO FUCKING WEIRD!!”  Then I ran to my husband to show him my ‘gap’, because that’s what you do, you drag your spouse through all the crazy changes with you.  They escape nothing!

Shaving Legs

This one really gets my hackles up.  At over 300 lbs, shaving my legs was always such a pain.  Firstly, I could either bend over or breathe, not both.  So I would have to bend over and hold my breath while I shaved some, then stand up and catch my breath, bend over again and hold my breath and stand up again.   Since we don’t have a bathtub I couldn’t do like I used to and just sit on the side, so this all had to take place in the shower.   This would go on for what felt like ages because, as I said, my legs were huge!!! So I had a lot of surface area to cover.

I remember thinking to myself that if I could just lose weight it would be so much easier. I could bend and breathe at the same time, my legs would be smaller so I could shave them easily.  Heck, maybe I’d even wax them since I wouldn’t need 10 yards of fabric and 5 liters of wax just to get it all done.  It made sense, right?  Weight loss = smaller belly / legs = easier bending / easier shaving.

What I wasn’t thinking about was the skin.  Just like the girl in the video I also find myself swearing and exclaiming how fucking ridiculous it is!  Instead of having these small, smooth legs to shave… I have legs that are still big and SAGGY.  Imagine trying to shave a peach, not so bad, right? Now imagine trying to shave a prune!

I think I have the larger equivalent of what it’s like for a dude to try to shave his balls.  YES, that’s exactly what it’s like.  Not quite as bad on my lower legs, but my thighs? Forget it.  It’s a lost cause.  I have to actively grab them, stretch them out to make a flat surface and then try to shave them and who in the hell can be bothered with that?  I just thank my lucky stars that I’m not a hairy person, that’s all I will say on that.

As for shaving anything else?  Don’t make me laugh… I’m not even going there.

Finding Bones

Oh this one is hilarious! It’s happen to me so many times and it’s not really annoying or painful, it’s just FUNNY.  I remember the first time I noticed my wrist bone, you know that lump that sticks up on your outer wrist.  I noticed it on my right hand and without thinking I just yelled out to my husband and told him something was wrong.  He looked at me like I was growing another head, rather than just a wrist bone, and pointed out that I had one on the other wrist too.

Uhh, yeah, a little embarrassing.

That has been followed by moments with things being said “That’s a RIB, honey” and “Yes, it is supposed to stick out like that! It’s normal, look… I have one too!”.  You sort of assume that having seen loads of other people’s bodies that we’d be more in touch with what bones there are and what sticks out where, but nope.  When your bones have been covered in a thick layer of fat for your entire life, suddenly having these foreign things sticking out of you is a very bizarre, and sometimes scary, experience!

By the way, I totally do that collarbone thing she was doing as well.  In front of the mirror, moving my neck and chin in a really exaggerated way to make those hallows.  It’s been almost a year and the novelty hasn’t worn off yet!

Armpits

Any long term reader or friend knows I have a crazy armpit phobia. I don’t know if phobia is the right word but just a hatred of them. I don’t want to see anyone’s armpits, I don’t want anyone seeing my armpits.  Just the whole armpit thing turns me off, so there is no way in hell I’d be showing off my armpits like she did in the video.

THAT SAID, I can agree 100% that shaving armpits has become a total pain in the butt.  It was the easiest thing to shave when I was heavier. I put my arm up and it was just flat in there… now it’s all concave just like she said.  Now, maybe the average woman reading this would be like “So? So is mine, what’s the big deal?!” well, my answer to that would be that yours has been like that forever, it didn’t suddenly just become that way.  It’s like suddenly having two less fingers and trying to function the same… or having your feet on backwards.  It doesn’t seem right somehow, it’s foreign and doesn’t feel like my body should feel.  I don’t get how women shave their armpits with that big dent. WHY ARE THERE NOT CURVED RAZORS FOR THIS?! WHY??

Skin Routine

This is where she has me beat, because I really think I SHOULD have a routine.  I shit you not, just yesterday I was talking to my husband and said I need to look into some of the old lady creams for wrinkles because now that my face and neck are deflating, I’m left looking all wrinkled and saggy.   I may have even mentioned possibly adding a chin lift to my growing list of possible future plastic surgeries.

There are no words for what is going on under my chin right now.  You remember that freaky dude from Ally McBeal that loved the waddles (the turkey necks on women)?  He’d get a stiffy just standing in the same room with me, because I’ve got a waddle like you wouldn’t believe.  I have an honest to god turkey neck and it drives me crazy.   Now I get why the older women slather their face and neck with cream, I really really get it.  I must find a ‘tighten up the wrinkles and turkey neck’ cream – PRONTO!

Like the girl in the video, each and every time one of these things, or one of the many other annoying things, happen… I just make a face, shrug and think to myself “Well, at least I’m not fat anymore” because it’s true.  I’d take any one of these things any day over what I used to have.